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Please help me see what I did wrong...

 
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Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 2:28:00 PM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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First: I am sooo sooo sooo very sorry about the lenght of this post.

Met a guy two years ago after a fresh break-up from his fiancé/engagement. The guy called 3-4 times a week for a month ½ straight. Said he liked me and would probably come to me about taking things to the next level in a couple of months. Guy literally disappears after that conversation. Pops up about a month later saying he pulled back b/c he was really starting to like me and he could tell I was starting to like him. And that the ex was still causing drama. But he had it taken care of at that point. So that was January ’07. So, since then, he started the pattern contact for a month and then no contact for 4-6 weeks. This has literally gone on for the past two years. Hung out in group settings for the most part. Hung out one-on-one 3 or 4 times. Yet all this time, he never asked me out on a date. If I didn’t hear from him, I figured he just didn’t want me and I didn’t chase him. Then he would pop back up on his own with sweet text messages and a couple of early morning phone calls. A few months ago I started asking him if we are on the same page or not. I told him that I liked him and wanted to be more than friends but we didn’t have to rush into a serious relationship right of the bat. He kept saying “we will sit down and talk about it”. (me not wanting to push, I said ok and pulled back.) Last week, I couldn’t take it anymore. He came over to my apartment to helped me move some things and I flat out asked him “you need to tell me if I need to get over my feelings and move on. Please just tell me” His response: “well haven’t started communicating w/ you more consistently? Didn’t I come over to help you move some things? Well give me credit for those things. After this, let me take you out to dinner and we’ll discuss it some more. In other words, just let things naturally take it’s place.” I said “ok. I would like that”

A week later (this past weekend), I get word that he took another girl home with him to meet his parents and he has now asked her to be his girlfriend. Obviously he has been seeing/knowing her for awhile, but they just now made it official. I call him as soon as I find out of course and his response is “If a guy likes you, then you will know it! He will want to spend time with you and he will want to talk to you all the time. I haven’t spent time with you, I haven’t even taken you out on a date. I haven’t seen you in so long that I forgot what you even look like!! I didn’t feel obligated to tell you that I met someone else and that she is now my girlfriend!If a guy isn’t treating you the way that you want, then you need to kick him to the curb!!! I'm not used to someone saying they care about me and I havent spent any time with them” He completely flipped things around contrary to what he said just a week prior.

Why didn’t he just tell me when I asked him?I’m so lost/confused/hurt/ feeling really stupid right now. I feel like I wasn’t enough for him and that I won’t ever be enough for any guy.

I’m hoping you guys can help me sort through my questions: How the heck did I fall for this guy so hard and it was all a joke to him? I been on dates with other guys and always thought about him afterwards. Never liked a guy this much before in my life. And now I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and/or feelings for a man ever again. No matter how intense they are. I’m just feeling really low right now.

Only good thing is: I never slept with him. So I still have that part of myself. He knew from the beginning that I wasn’t the type for casual sex. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep and I’ve been crying non stop. I was really head-over-heals with this guy. It hurts really bad and I just need to talk this out right now.

Where does everyone think my first error was with this guy? And how in the world did I allow his behavior to go on for almost 2 years? Was I crazy to believe that he actually liked me? He kept saying things to make me believe he was interested and now I feel like a fool for ever beleivng him. What satisfaction do guys get out of this? It's really crushing me right now...
Post #: 1
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 2:49:33 PM   
DaveW


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He was on the rebound. If he really cared for his ex, that could cause a guy to go into a serious emotional tail-spin. Best to just be friends until that all settles out. Could be 6 months, could be 2 or 3 years. Only after that should you try to build a relationship.

BTW, the 6 months usually only happens if he is in counseling.

You never said how committed a believer this guy was.

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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 4:07:33 PM   
Akosua2402

 

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Maybe you should hv bn careful considering the way he appeared and disappeared. But i want u to know that this guy is not the guy for you but you will certainly be enough for someone meant for you.
Cry if it makes you feel better, but don't let your grief blind u or control u. There's is someone out there just for you.
"Cast your burdens upon Him, for He cares for you."
Post #: 3
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 4:34:32 PM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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I havent been eating or sleeping. The rejection is too much for me right now.
Post #: 4
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 4:44:46 PM   
Akosua2402

 

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make an effort. it will take a conscious effort to move on. depend on God's grace and make that effort. you can do it.
you can do all things thru Christ who strengthens you.
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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 4:45:41 PM   
Hislittleone


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I'm sorry you are hurting like this. (((Striving2BVirtuous)))

Perhaps in time you will count yourself blessed that God removed this person from your life. Would you really have wanted to end up with a man who is so wishy washy? It sounds like he was either really confused and double minded or was using you. Either way, you are better off without him. God has something better in mind for you.

As far as I can see, the only thing you did "wrong" was to not get rid of him sooner. Next time a guy says he likes you and wants to go out but constantly changes his mind and stops contacting you tell him thanks but no thanks. If a guy really likes you and is sure of what he wants then he will pursue you 100% (not half-heartedly).

I know you are hurting right now but when the pain eases up you'll start seeing things more clearly, I think. Sometimes it just takes a bit of emotional distance from a situation/relationship before we can see things as they really are.
Post #: 6
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 4:53:28 PM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW

He was on the rebound. If he really cared for his ex, that could cause a guy to go into a serious emotional tail-spin. Best to just be friends until that all settles out. Could be 6 months, could be 2 or 3 years. Only after that should you try to build a relationship.

BTW, the 6 months usually only happens if he is in counseling.

You never said how committed a believer this guy was.


How committed was he? I just new that he attented church. We attend seperate churches. There were a couple of occasions when I invited him to our Bible study and he would say "mabye next time" and I know for a fact that I recall mentioning to him that it bothered me that he hadnt invited me to his worship service.
Post #: 7
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 10:54:14 PM   
truthrevealed

 

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Striving, I'm going to step out on a limb and state that much of the grieving and sadness that you feel has less to do with him(rejection) and more to do with how you feel about the decisions you made. As women we simply see things differently and respond differently than males. He was, in my opinion, FINALLY being forthright when he told you that his actions were an indication that he wasn't really serious about pursuing a relationship. BY NO MEANS!!!!! should you 'beat yourself up' because that wasn't obvious. He was well aware of what he was doing. This is the responsibility that you should bare IMO, 1. in the future let actions speak louder than words as it concerns the other person 2. he's moved on, don't let his behavior now taint your feelings of yourself or the trust you take into another relationship...your future boyfriend/husband deserves better than your lack of trust due to one knucklehead!!!!! 3. realize that it's not his rejection that most upsetting it's YOU REJECTING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN AND/OR DONE BETTER.....but now you CAN do better......and you will. Dry your tears, refuse to feel sorry for yourself and use what you've learned to help the next woman who needs your widsom...from experience
Post #: 8
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/18/2008 11:13:36 PM   
deermousie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Striving2BVirtuous
Met a guy two years ago after a fresh break-up from his fiancé/engagement. The guy called 3-4 times a week for a month ½ straight. Said he liked me


Here was the first red flag. The non-negotiable list I like says the guy/gal must be:

-committed Christian (ask spiritually mature people who've known them for years. Or talk to his/her pastor and elders) who is dealing with their sin, getting into their Bible daily, fervently loving the brethren and involved in ministry somehow, even if it's talking about Jesus to someone in line at the grocery store. This goes for you, too.
- Human (don't laugh - some people are confused)
- the opposite sex
- available (not married, not divorced without biblical reason, or not emotionally involved with someone else).

And then he started rushing the relationship. The timing of all those calls was socially inappropriate and emotionally leading you on, as was him telling you he liked you. I suspect he felt humiliated by his broken engagement and wanted to see if he could still get a girl. He didn't plan on keeping her. Very selfish and manipulative of him. Too bad you didn't ask him to talk to your dad if he wanted to be friends with you; he probably would have run. This guy certainly doesn't sound spiritually mature; next time check. If he's got his act together he won't mind giving you his pastor's phone number.

quote:

and would probably come to me about taking things to the next level in a couple of months.


He was leading you on and lying. He was fast. Next time a guy does this to you, have him talk to your dad, your pastor, or an older Christian man who will ask him hard questions.

quote:

Guy literally disappears after that conversation. Pops up about a month later saying he pulled back b/c he was really starting to like me and he could tell I was starting to like him.


OK. Take a deep breath, stand up straight and put some steel in that backbone, and repeat after me:
"You have been leading me on, rushing me inappropriately and then not talking to me for ____. This isn't the kind of responsible relationship I'm waiting for. Thanks for calling, but please don't call me again. I'm not interested. Goodbye." Then gently hangup and stick to your guns and don't let him talk you into anything - he's all talk and no kindness to a woman he things he can fool and use. He is a creep (Yes, that's biblical). And wait for a better guy or get on with your life single - you've got places to go and things to do.

quote:

And that the ex was still causing drama. But he had it taken care of at that point. So that was January ’07. So, since then, he started the pattern contact for a month and then no contact for 4-6 weeks.


Oh, what a wonderful husband *he* is going to be (yes, I'm being sarcastic). He's there, he's gone, and the wife has two little kids clinging to her legs who don't know where daddy is or where the next paycheck is coming from.

quote:

“If a guy likes you, then you will know it! He will want to spend time with you and he will want to talk to you all the time. I haven’t spent time with you, I haven’t even taken you out on a date. I haven’t seen you in so long that I forgot what you even look like!!


*headdesk**headdesk**headdesk* My advice to you is to see you got off easy, as hard as this has been, and never let a creep...er.. irresponsible, unprincipled guy do this to you again. You didn't deserve this, so never put up with it again. Think of this as your innoculation against guys like this, so they will never be able to do this again. A good guy would not do this! The man proved who he was, and that is "not good enough for you."

It's like, "if a friend borrows $20 from you and you never see them again, you got a bargain." Same about him. You got off easier than his poor girlfriend. He is as reliable as quicksand.

I'm sorry, dear heart, that this happened to you. God bless you and comfort you. (((Hugs)))

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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/19/2008 11:25:23 AM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: truthrevealed

Striving, I'm going to step out on a limb and state that much of the grieving and sadness that you feel has less to do with him(rejection) and more to do with how you feel about the decisions you made. As women we simply see things differently and respond differently than males. He was, in my opinion, FINALLY being forthright when he told you that his actions were an indication that he wasn't really serious about pursuing a relationship. BY NO MEANS!!!!! should you 'beat yourself up' because that wasn't obvious. He was well aware of what he was doing. This is the responsibility that you should bare IMO, 1. in the future let actions speak louder than words as it concerns the other person 2. he's moved on, don't let his behavior now taint your feelings of yourself or the trust you take into another relationship...your future boyfriend/husband deserves better than your lack of trust due to one knucklehead!!!!! 3. realize that it's not his rejection that most upsetting it's YOU REJECTING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN AND/OR DONE BETTER.....but now you CAN do better......and you will. Dry your tears, refuse to feel sorry for yourself and use what you've learned to help the next woman who needs your widsom...from experience


You are right to a certain degree. Yes I feel incredibly stupid and like I should have known better. But it still hurts because HE rejected me.
I feel like I can't even trust my own judgement anymore. How could I have had such strong feelings for a man who never even liked me from looks of it??? If he simply would have told me he had feelings for someone else instead of allowing me to continue thinking that he was still interested, then I would have pulled away emotionally a long time ago. And it kills me that he FINALLY says something now that he has secured a new relationship with someone else. And now I'm just hanging out here left to deal with two years worth of crazy emotions and feelings.

It's not like he and I never did anything together. We hung out a couple of times together but never an official date, and I questioned him several times on that. And he would just say "when business slows down a little, I will take you to dinner. I'm just consumed with work right now"(And I was understanding of that because his business is only 2 or 3 years old and I know how important the first couple of years are for a new business) and we did several group activities with mutual friends. Not to mention all of the things he said or text to me in between time. So it's not like all of this is totally in my head.

And it just kills me because I could NEVER even imagine treating someone this way. I don't understand what satisfaction he got from it. And during that final conversation he also said to me "Here's what i think happened...you met me, you liked me and thought I was a nice & cool guy. And you held on to that. I'm sorry, but I'm not the kind of guy you thought I was."

I literally got down on my knees every night and every morning and prayed about this man. EVERY SINGLE DAY. This taught me that God doesn't always grant us the desires of our hearts no matter how bad and strong that desire is. Even if we go about it the right way.
Post #: 10
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/19/2008 12:33:13 PM   
truthrevealed

 

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Striving, but after this experience you SHOULD be able to trust your judgement more. Why? because you've learned, your senses will be more keen, you'll be better prepared as a result of this experience. I have been hurt before. Looking back, in my experience, most of my hurt can be atttributed to seeing what was in front of me yet choosing not to see because I was "in love"(I put that in quotes becasue I was very young at the time--so looking back I wasn't REALLY in love. I was in crazy though. Meaning I was crazy about him).

It'll take time to get over your hurt and it's understandable that you'll cry but there is a way to lessen your pain and expedite the mourning process, so that you can move on as he apparrently has . Don't analzye the situation to death. "why did I do this?" "why did he do that?" "what if this?" and "what if that?" Instead think, "thank you God, that a situation that obviously was going nowhere ended before I became even more emotionally attatched." Instead of accepting condemnation about a lack of judgement, praise yourself for being a woman who is passionate, who seeks the good in others, who simply wants to love and be loved(which is what we all want).

The MOST important relationship you have(outside of the one you have with God)is the one you have with YOU! Are you treating you any better than he treated you(or others who may have hurt you?)or are you loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and appreciating the woman that you are?
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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/19/2008 12:34:07 PM   
rgod


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Striving2BVirtuous - You dodged a bullet! God TOTALLY protected you from this man. He is either a jerk or emotionally unstable (at the very least he has no empathy). He also sounds very immature. I feel very sorry for his wife, who probably has no clue as to his real character. Deermousie's answer is on point and I hope you read it a few times. I couldn't have said it better myself.

As far as your emotions - take them to God. Perhaps you put up with his inconsistent behavior because you wanted to be loved. (Nothing wrong with wanting love.) Or you might be a person who wants to see the best in people - so you overlooked red flags. (Nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt - although you can do that without closing your eyes to the situation.) Or maybe you need to raise your standards for how someone treats you. (Something a lot of people had/have to learn, including me.) Or you could have simply been caught unaware (Been there, done that). Some people are just good liars. This guy seems to be like that.

You sound like an intelligent godly woman to me - and the best part is that you kept your integrity through the entire process. You didn't give him your body (praise God) but you did give him your heart and it will take time to heal from that. He abused you emotionally and abused your trust - it wasn't your fault that he did this to you. Perhaps the one good thing that will come out of this is that you'll be able to spot someone should you run into a person like him again.

I also agree with whoever said that in future relationships that you have the man that you meet talk to other trustworthy men in your life (pastor, good friend, brother) - let them check him out before it becomes serious.

It will take time, but you will heal. Go easy on yourself. Don't let fear concerning this "counterfeit" guy rob you of the godly husband that God desires to bring into your life. Keeping you in my thoughts -- rgod.

< Message edited by rgod -- 8/19/2008 8:22:21 PM >
Post #: 12
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/19/2008 1:46:58 PM   
iwillfearnoevil


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quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie
He was leading you on and lying. He was fast.


if you want to assign blame, deermousie is right. i feel he was definately leading you on and reading your first paragraph assumed he'd be with other women when not with you and then you finally got confirmation of that. you may want to reflect on future involvement in long undecided/ undeclared relationships. not saying there needs to be a define-the-relationship talk early on or that you shouldn't try a friends first approach, but i think two years is a long time to be very emotionally vested in someone not returning your feelings. i'm so sorry for your hurt :(

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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/19/2008 1:50:37 PM   
Sadey

 

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I feel so bad for you and I think your answer is what you said " I would never treat someone like this." So of course you can't imagine someone doing this.

This man is totally self centered, unprincipaled, and mean. What he said to you was intentionally meant to hurt you as much as he could. He was cruel and vindictive. Whoever his new girl is needs your prayer because I'm sure he will not be good to her.

And what Deermousie told you to say to the next jerk who tries this, well you either write it down and post it by your phone or memorize it so you will never be taken advantaged of again.

One good test for the next guy is to have your first date on Sunday morning at your church so the men of your church can look him over.
God bless you and I hope the pain goes away soon.
Post #: 14
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/20/2008 9:30:25 AM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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When I got off of work yesterday, I went home and got in the bed and cried for while. Then I soaked in the tub for a while. I have never had a feeling of not even wanting to be alive. I don't think I'm going to commit suicide, but the pain is so bad that I just want to die right now. I lost my father earlier this year and adding this to it, is too much for me to take right now.
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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/20/2008 2:45:47 PM   
fluffmonkey


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I am sorry that your going through alot hurt right now... and I know its tough to get over the pain of being hurt... nothing I personally done took away the pain and i tried many things to take away the pain BUT only one thing helped me through my pain and that was GOD! Leaning on God and Trusting in Him! Cast all your care upon Him for He cares for you! When your having a rough time and you want to do something crazy instead ((pray)) for Gods help right then and there!! Do not wait.

((hugs)) I will be praying for you!


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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/20/2008 4:48:03 PM   
Sadey

 

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Please find someone to talk to and to give you a hug. You need some loving help to get through this. I think losing your father has made this a huge impact on you. Please please call someone.
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RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/20/2008 8:14:35 PM   
rgod


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quote:

When I got off of work yesterday, I went home and got in the bed and cried for while. Then I soaked in the tub for a while. I have never had a feeling of not even wanting to be alive. I don't think I'm going to commit suicide, but the pain is so bad that I just want to die right now. I lost my father earlier this year and adding this to it, is too much for me to take right now.


Striving - my heart really goes out to you! It hurts a lot now, but you will heal in time - just take it a step at a time. It is ok to feel sad about it and yes, you might cry for a while - after all 2 years is a long time. Do you have some people that you can talk to about this? But just hang in there. You might not believe it now, but trust me - there will come a day when you will be thanking God that you did not go any further with this man. It doesn't feel like that right now, but trust me, it will happen. Take care of yourself!
Post #: 18
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/21/2008 1:00:08 PM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

Please find someone to talk to and to give you a hug. You need some loving help to get through this. I think losing your father has made this a huge impact on you. Please please call someone.


I think the next step for me right now is to start some type of therapy. I've always been an emotional person and I hate that about myself. I hate being too sensitive. I hate that I have a hard time letting go. I hate that I am so easily hurt. I feel like I should be made of steel and nothing should affect me. I keep distance from people on purpose because I am afraid of being hurt. I hate that about myself and I don't know the reason as to why I am like this. I'm the type of person, for example, if someone walks past me and doesnt speak, I automatically assume that person is mad at me or doesnt like me. I hate it, but I can't help. It comes as natural as breathing to me.
Post #: 19
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/21/2008 1:09:02 PM   
Striving2BVirtuous

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

quote:

When I got off of work yesterday, I went home and got in the bed and cried for while. Then I soaked in the tub for a while. I have never had a feeling of not even wanting to be alive. I don't think I'm going to commit suicide, but the pain is so bad that I just want to die right now. I lost my father earlier this year and adding this to it, is too much for me to take right now.


Striving - my heart really goes out to you! It hurts a lot now, but you will heal in time - just take it a step at a time. It is ok to feel sad about it and yes, you might cry for a while - after all 2 years is a long time. Do you have some people that you can talk to about this? But just hang in there. You might not believe it now, but trust me - there will come a day when you will be thanking God that you did not go any further with this man. It doesn't feel like that right now, but trust me, it will happen. Take care of yourself!


Hey RGod....yeah, I've talked to several people about it. Some people don't feel that he did anything wrong. Some people are saying that he simply lost interest, met someone else that made him feel something stronger and he just didnt want to hurt me and didnt know how to tell me. So he choose not to say anything at all.

I can understand that to a certain degree. But if a man is NOT interested in a woman and the woman is NOT chasing him, then he (of his own free will) does NOT need to continue contact and give false hope. This man even told me that he wanted to make sure that I was mentally and emotionally prepared before taking things to the next level. I just don't understand the purpose.....
Post #: 20
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/21/2008 1:39:55 PM   
4ChristisLove


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Striving2BVirtuos - I'm so sad to see you in so much pain over this. I know all too well what that pain feels like. See, I went through something similar about 10 years ago. The difference was we did go out, and it was for a shorter time than 2 years. But what was identical was how he would disappear and give me false hope about our relationship. Before you even told us that he was seeing someone else, I knew exactly that was what you were going to say. I could tell by him disappearing that it looked like he was involved with someone else. I agree that he is a creep and not worth your time. Anyone who treats someone like he did was not serious and had issues. Thank God that you didn't sleep with him. Because I didn't make that choice and I regret it. Be proud that you stood strong. I was depressed and had a whole lot of fear and regrets when his friends told me somethings about him. He was quite the ladies man and I had no idea. I thank God though that I didn't marry this guy and that I knew what I didn't want in a guy. I prayed for God to send me a man after that and he sent my wonderful & Godly husband. So as hard as it is right now, you will move on and meet someone that will want to spend every minute with you. I pray that God sends that person to you and shows you that you are worthy of love. ((Hugs))
Post #: 21
RE: Please help me see what I did wrong... - 8/21/2008 7:30:59 PM   
sudden


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Dear Striving:

I am sorry that you are sad. It sounds to me as if you were fantasizing about a "relationship" that wasn't. You were in love with what "might be" not with what really was. Not having even gone on one date should have been a clue.

ON the other hand...it does sound as if this fellow may have been stringing you along a bit or that he simply didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying outright that he didn't want to date you. "Let's go out to dinner and talk about it".

How can you be good enough? I would reverse that and say, how could he be good enough? He could have been more truthful. More direct...this is true. Just because someone doesn't want to date you, it in no way makes you inferior. They simply prefer another type of person and you will probably meet other people who feel the same way about you when you reject them. No one is right or wrong or not good enough! It is simply a matter of personal preference.

I don't think you're crazy...just a little too trusting and inexperienced. The only reason his behaviour went on that long is that you chose to believe a fantasy rather than what was put before you. If a person is interested they will call you, date you and they will be excited about seeing you! Don't settle for less.

Look for someone more suitable. There is nothing wrong with you! Haste la vista to this guy. WHo needs 'em? You will find someone much, much nicer!

Praying for your hurt to heal soon,

Sudden

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I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O