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Final Exams!!! - 5/24/2006 5:40:13 PM
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JoToP
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Its time for Final Exams!!!
1. Indulgence was:
A. King Charles’ subsidy extracted by taxing Irishmen who owned more than one dulge.
B. payment to the Roman Catholic Church for salvation grace.
C. considered a four-letter word by illiterate Quakers.
D. giving second helpings of gruel to young serfs.
2. Encroachment was:
A. an Enlightenment philosophy which taught men to draw conclusions by means of well organized nervous twitches.
B. the introduction of the infamous “Croach Act” into Parliamentary Procedure.
C. an English Royal toll for traveling the King’s forest.
D. usually counteracted effectively by equal, but opposite out-croachment.
3. Medieval maps:
A. were shaped roughly like a cartwheel.
B. always had a backgammon board on the reverse side.
C. depicted the world just after the Pre-evil and just prior to the Post-evil Period in history.
D. depicted Warsaw as the “World Wart”.
4. Cortez:
A. was a minor Klingon second lieutenant.
B. plays the conga for Santana.
C. was the name for any member of a Portuguese court.
D. was a Spanish Conquistador.
5. Lollards:
A. was a mispronunciation of “Rorrards”, which is Chinese for “Western Capitalist Pigs”.
B. were the inventors of the “lollard popp”, a hard candy on a stick given out to children on Christmas Day in post-Medieval Europe.
C. were followers of Wycliffe.
D. were Plague victims who survived, but not without a permanent speech impediment.
6. Which of the following best describes the reason for the development of
the clock?
A. Monks needed a reliable clock to call them to matins (prayers).
B. Medieval Product Engineers needed something to tell them when it was time to call a Project Meeting.
C. Generals needed precise knowledge of when to start the war.
D. The Y1K panic.
7. Ptolemy was:
A. the star-chart dude.
B. the capital of Potemkin.
C. a philosopher in favor of religious tolerance.
D. chairman of the “Silent Pi Society” (died of pneumonia).
E. inventor of the ptop hat and ptails, (also a consummate ptap dancer).
8. Spinoza was:
A. a philosophe known for skepticism.
B. the originator of the technique of taking the nose between the knuckles of the index and the middle fingers and twisting it skyward while chuckling, “Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!”
C. inventor of the failed Submarine Screen-Door.
D. one of John Calvin’s most ardent pupils.
9. The Portuguese:
A. were the unquestioned conquerors of Luxembourg.
B. is the plural form of “Portugoose”.
C. began the exploration of the African coast under Prince Henry the Navigator.
D. were special Spanish sailors.
10. John Locke based his works upon the Christian works of:
A. Samuel Clemens, atheistic novel writer who lived nearly a hundred years later.
B. Branislav Kolchensky (my personal, if rather obscure, favorite author).
C. Samuel Rutherford, author of Lex Rex.
D. Banjo Man Franklin, famous 18th century maker of lightening powered stringed instruments (now deceased and cremated in Walker County, GA, we hope).
E. Goldie Locke, his wife and the true brains behind the legend as well as an outstanding naturalist who had an unusual knowledge of the rare porridge-eating bears of northern Europe (now practically extinct because porridge bogs have been almost completely wiped out by Dutch real estate developers). (She now runs a rocking chair repair shop in Boise, Idaho. You can find her Online at www.justright.org.)
11. Descartes is known for having said:
A. “I am, thou art.”
B. “I think, therefore I am.”
C. “I am, therefore thou art.”
D. “I think thou art a ham.”
E. “You stink, therefore I scram.”
12. Newton was best known for his:
A. Laws of Motion.
B. Laws of Reason.
C. Counter-Reformation ideas.
D. Advance s in modern Arithmetic.
E. Arresting stare and 23” biceps.
13. The Greeks taught that the four (4) Universal Elements were derived from:
A. Primordial Jovian thunderbolts.
B. Blood, sweat, toil and tears.
C. Clouds, silt, lightning and ice.
D. Heat, cold, moist and dry.
E. Willy Wonka and his Amazing Universal Element Factory.
Have them on my desk first thing in the morning. No fair cheating.
_____________________________
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The Da Micki Code - 5/30/2006 3:11:03 PM
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JoToP
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Its been right there in front of my face for a long time, but it finally hit me: my sons both have grown up greatly disliking all things Disney. How did that happen? Disney is a sacred American institution of G-rated childness. Disney teaches America’s children all of the essentials they need to know such as “follow your heart,” parents are doofusses who are trying to suppress youthful expression, Circle of Life, magic, and other great stuff that makes it possible to live the American Dream. I’m wondering if, taking their present attitude, JoToPs A and B are going to find themselves marginalized in the Magic Kingdom.
Mrs. JoToP and I, having discovered our shortcoming in the boys’ education, began to rifle through all the childhood material, looking for the key that turned the boys away from following their Disney Sing-Alongs, took them to Disney World... where did we go wrong and why did they apostatize from the Way of the Mouse. Our search for the answer to this perplexing question led us into an excavation of that dust-laden cache of ancient documents, our Attic. It was dangerous work, but essential to discovering the mystery behind the boys’ defection.
We first bombed the attic with insect foggers to cut down on the danger of spider bites and the prospect of getting the willies from camel crickets. Then, with mag-light beams cutting through the dust and fume, we made our way stealthily into the hostile environment. We carefully removed the dust from the boxes stacked one on top of another until we located the one we had been searching for, the children’s books. After a great deal of rearrangement and dislocation, we managed to get the box out of the attic and into the safety of the adjoining studio where we could examine its contents in a friendlier light.
One by one we removed the thin, chipboard covered documents from the box and flipped through them, looking for clues. We studied dozens of documents about obsolete objects of technology— steam locomotives, steam engines, dump trucks, tugboats, even a steam shovel (interesting how important steam is in childhood development— I may have to do a separate study on this)— each having to justify their existence in the onslaught of higher technology. In spite of the somewhat Amish slant, we decided these had not seriously effect our children, so we passed on. The entire set of Babar looked suspicious, an Indian Elephant who was a monarch, quite un-American. Still, this did not seem to have had too deleterious effect on the boys’ psyche and could not account for an anti-Disney paradigm. On and on we went, through tigers, and baggy elephants, puppies, clowns ({{{shudder}}}, can’t believe we raised the boys on those horrible entities), more trains (what was it with trains??? I don’t remember a story about how horses and bisons were displaced by trains. Nothing on the replacement of chariot or wagon technology.), down, down deep into the nefarious box until we struck of vein of Disney booklets. I was amazed at how few Disney books we had and it wasn’t long before one particular book grabbed my attention. I don’t know what it was, a feeling that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up when I touched the book called Mickey’s Picnic.
I sat back on the floor and read through the book. It was about all the Mickey gang preparing to go on a picnic (hence the title): Mickey, Minnie, Daisy Duck, Goofy, and Pluto. What struck me was that Donald was missing. Ostensibly, according to the story line, Donald had not been invited because in the past he had “caused trouble”, but no specific “trouble” was named. That got my attention! What was the True Reason behind excluding Donald from the picnic. The gang packed the picnic basket and loaded it in the balloon tire, Betty Boop-style car and headed for the picnic site. When they arrived, they left the picnic basket at a certain spot and went to the swimming hole for a swim. That didn’t look right to me. No one in his right mind would ever leave a picnic basket alone in a cartoon setting. This is a favorite scenario for cartoon ants as anyone should know. Its almost stereotypical and yet, leave the basket they did. It just didn’t smell right.
While the gang swam, Donald showed up! He was angry at having been left out of the picnic. This is a similar motif to Olympian goddesses being left out of Jovian banquets and causing wars on earth. I began right there to suspect that Donald was not Donald at all, but was Donna, an evil duckess who had been sanctified in later tradition and transformed into the benign Daisy. Donald and Daisy are really one and the same person, split into to personalities in order to fill in the gaps of this later invasion of the narrative by subsequent redactors. Note how he extracts his revenge. First, he stole the picnic basket, thereby depriving them of their sustenance, then he tied the legs of their trousers making it impossible for them to cover their nakedness. Both of these motifs have their roots in pagan culture, the wrath of the gods on the crops and the lack of shame resulting from the Fall. These are the driving principles behind Disney, if you think about it without the taint of a predominantly Warner Brothers world view. And this underlying principle made it necessary at some point for the Disney myth brokers to adjust the more innocent and pristine story to conform to the new ideas of Disneyism that were evolving and driving the industry.
Now, I could be wrong in my interpretation of these encrypted symbols and I’m open to correction, but I think I’ve sealed up the case that there is something else happening in layers below the story as it is given to us. After all, if we took this story at face value, it’d be of no more significance to us than a child’s story. There has to be a subliminal message or else I’m wasting a lot of time typing this expose. You can’t expect Disney to come right out in the open and reveal their hand, they’re definitely going to couch their real agenda in symbolic terms.
On one page, for instance, you have a picture of the gang sitting around the picnic basket. If you look carefully at Goofy, you’ll notice that he is actually Clarabel Cow with a black nose bulb attached precariously to his face. But the nose bulb is out of perspective, revealing that Goofy really does not own that nose bulb and since Clarabel Cow is the only character who does not have an indigenous nose bulb, Goofy is obviously Clarabel in un-drag. I would suggest that Mickey is purely fictitious and is simply a reworked version of Goofy, who is the real leader of the Mickey Mouse Club, which, according to early cartoon works now considered by the established Disney system to be pseudopigraphia, was originally called the Goofy Cowgirls. But Goofy has been “demoted” so to speak because he really is a cartoon zealot and the myth of the Magical Mickey, the humble and contrite mouse, has been put in his place. But you can’t just jettison Goofy completely so he is consigned to the lesser role of Mousketeer. But remember, Goofy is really Clarabel Cow, which means that the original leader of Mickey’s Gang was a female. Naturally, in the early, pre-feminist days when Disney was just getting started, they couldn’t make this public, so Clarabel became Goofy. This wasn’t uncommon, think of such masculine pseudonyms as George Eliot. Pluto, who looks exactly like Goofy, but doesn’t talk, is really an early attempt at demoting Goofy from zealot leader to disciple. After all, who can really imagine a mouse keeping a dog for a pet.
As shocking as it may seem, I have to conclude that there is not, nor has there ever been such a person as Mickey Mouse. And my boys saw right through this at an early age. I tell you, its frightening, but we have to face the truth and not allow this lie to go on any further.
_____________________________
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FINALS!!! part 2 - 5/31/2006 9:04:01 AM
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JoToP
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Before Darwin published Origin of the Species, Lyell conceived of and worked out a theory of the age of the earth by the study of rock formations called:
a. take a wild guess.
b. hyperluniary delineation.
c. counting rocks in Darwin’s head.
d. hunting for labels that said, “Made in the year 5,000,000,000 B.C.”
e. geologic time scale.
Intrusive Igneous Rock is formed when molten rock hardens:
a. on the earth’s surface.
b. in mid-air.
c. under water.
d. beneath the earth’s surface.
e. on any igniot that happens to intrude on the premises.
Rocks are important because:
a. if we didn’t have them, we’d all look just like weasels.
b. without them, slingshots would just go “thwip” without effect.
c. without rocks, the world would be nekid.
d. then John Kerry would have absolutely NOTHING in his head.
e. lava surfing would get real old after awhile.
f. b through f.
The king or emperor of Russia went by the title of:
a. Koenig
b. Kaisar
c. Caesar
d. Czar
e. Vladimira Iliavich Commissariovich Branislav Kolchensky
The queen of England in the mid-1800’s was:
a. Victoria
b. Mary
c. Anne
d. James II
e. Bunny Mae
Charles Boulanger, French reactionary to the Prussian occupation of France said:
a. “Run!!!”
b. “We should expel the Allimaine!”
c. “Powder and shot is our bread and butter!”
d. “Combien le person du Francaise esquilia isi, silvous plait!”
e. “Throw the rascals out!”
The king of unified Germany during the period called the First Reich (under Otto von Bismark) was:
a. Wilhelm I
b. Wilhelm II
c. Will Ham III
d. Villain IV
e. Billy Bob Heinig
Existentialism is the philosophical idea that:
a. You exist for no other reason than to bring your history teacher Expensive Presents.
b. I exist for no other reason than to receive your Expensive Presents
c. Existence is its only excuse for being.
d. c. is a stupid answer.
Two-hump camels are called:
a.) Llamas.
b.) Bactrian
c.) Bihumpmels.
d.) Abdul.
e.) dromedaries.
For two (2) points:
How many Brittny Spears does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One more question for one (1) point:
If you put Benny Hinn’s brain in a blue jay, it would:
a. flutter around trying to put its frozen claws on people’s necks.
b. fly backward.
c. have plenty of braincase room spare.
d. switch over to a pasta diet.
e. all of the above
f. none of the above
g. any two of the above
h. g.
i. h.
j. i.
k. etc.
Another question because I only have 99 points and I need to make up another question which is only worth one point
Placer deposits, panning, sluicing and dredging are all terms related to the extraction from the earth of ______, which is my personal favorite metal and I’ll be glad to take any you might have hanging around your house that you’re not using. [Hint: It’s a yellow metal, very heavy, soft and worth {current market value} about 750 g-men per OZ.]
_____________________________
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RE: FINALS!!! part 3 - 5/31/2006 11:56:31 AM
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JoToP
Posts: 760
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Let's see how much you all have learned about the State of Georgia.
1. Products created or made by man are called
a. artifices.
b. artifacts.
c. artichokes.
d. man-made creations.
e. bones.
2. The southeastern region of the United States is called the
a. Sunlit Region.
b. Moonshine Region.
c. Sunbelt Region.
d. Sunshine Region.
e. Redneck Region.
3. Scholars say the southeastern region is the only region in the United States with a distinctive
a. river.
b. State Bird.
c. custard.
d. possum.
e. culture.
4. Georgia’s mild temperatures, 48.34 inches of rain and 66-70% relative humidity make up what is known as the
a. comfort zone.
b. pleasant zone.
c. twilight zone.
d. zone of erudition.
e. Y. I. I.!!!!!!! (Yankee Immigration Index).
5. “Alapaha” is
a. an obscure Indian tribe that once lived around Thomasville, but which mysteriously disappeared around the middle of the 15th Century.
b. the name of a river on the border of North Carolina and North Georgia.
c. what everyone in the know shouts before parafoiling off of Tallulah Gorge.
d. the primary soil type of the coastal plain region of Georgia.
e. the name of Button Gwinnett’s old hound dog.
6. Georgia’s soils have one thing in common:
a. they are the world’s cleanest dirt.
b. they are all good for agriculture.
c. they were all imported from China by Oglethorpe to aid in the production of silk.
d. they taste good.
e. they all make an awful bathtub ring.
7. Florence Martus was Georgia’s famous
a. nightingale.
b. Poet Lariat.
c. Waving Girl.
d. steamboat.
e. nut case.
8. “Suwannee” means
a. “the river of the deer”.
b. “mimshaka”.
c. “beware of the wannee-wannee”.
d. “flowing waters, by the stream, under the shadows of the mountains of the moon which are forever shimmering in the cold light of yesterday... by Alapaha ‘Panther Breath’ Suwannannee Beaver Tail, dedicated to his late wife Marcy, circa 1832— All Rights Reserved.”
e. “river of the pole cat”.
9. Georgia’s two State Birds are
a. the grebe and the cookoo.
b. the chuckwalla and the wild turkey.
c. the mockingbird and the grouse.
d. the brown thrasher and the bob-white quail.
e. the turkey buzzard and the dodo bird.
f. the bat and the flying squirrel.
10. The Georgia Song is (used to be... and should still be)
a. Georgia On My Mind by Ray Charles.
b. Chattanooga Choo-Choo by Benny Goodman.
c. I’d Rather Be in Milledgeville by Branislav Kolchensky.
d. The Georgia Song by Alabama.
e. My Old Kentucky Home by Sea Biscuit.
11. Georgia is bordered by states.
a. Confusion, Idiocy, Lunacy
b. Texas, New Mexico, Arizona
c. Virginia, Kentucky, Maryland, Mississippi
d. North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Alabama, Tennessee
12. Ossabaw Island is a nesting ground for .
a. Great Blue Herons
b. Red-crested, Web-footed Lake Loons
c. Sea Turtles
d. Sea Cucumbers
e. Ossabaw Ospreys
13. had a face that looked as though “the devil had been threshing peas on it”.
a. William Fremont
b. Ponce de Leon
c. Henry Cabot Lodge
d. William McWhir
e. Damian Lintel Threshmugg
14. Until laws were crafted prohibiting the sale of impure food in Georgia disease was dealt with predominantly by means of .
a. Miasma
b. Silk screens
c. Nicotine
d. A friendly slug to the head
e. Quarantine
15. In the early 1800s, malaria was thought to be carried by .
a. Fleas
b. Rats
c. Swamp fog (miasma)
d. Mosquitoes
e. Pachyderms
16. Two major events that carved out the terrain of Georgia as we see it today were
a. Global Warming and urban spread
b. John Clarke and George Troupe
c. John Deere and Massey Ferguson
d. Glaciation and mountain uplift
e. Gradual drainage and wind damage
17. The general government under Confederation had no power to tax and had to money from the States.
a. Requisition
b. Extort
c. Tax
d. Borrow
e. Counterfeit
18. The between Virginia and Maryland lead to the call for a convention in Philadelphia to discuss the problems in 1787.
a. Sherman Anti-trust Act
b. Shay’s Rebellion
c. Virginia/Maryland Conflict
d. Issue over the location of the Capitol
e. Baseball game
19. The first institute for the mentally ill was built in (what Georgia city) .
a. Milledgeville
b. Marthasville
c. Marieville
d. Nuttyville
e. AndrewAutown
20. recommended the new sight for the capital.
a. George Troupe
b. Crawford Long
c. Cassias Clay
d. Branislav Kolchensky
e. John Clarke
_____________________________
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Advice for the Ladies - 5/31/2006 4:51:01 PM
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JoToP
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Thought I’d do a little public service work for our ladies-at-home who are valiantly cutting all kinds of corners in there quest to meet the budget and make all ends meet. First of all, if you think about it, if you cut corners enough you’ll have a circle and the ends will not only meet, but will have become indistinguishable from the rest of the arc that is in the middle. If you’re looking for symbolic meaning in that, you’ll be disappointed because I was just engaged in overworking a metaphor.
Secondly, I highly recommend that ladies do their own car repair. There’s nothing to be afraid of; its really quite simple. All you have to do is follow these simple steps.
1. Determine what the problem is.
2. Remove everything until you get to the part that is causing the problem.
3. Remove the problem part.
4. Take the problem part down to the auto parts store and show it to the person behind the parts counter.
Let’s pause here for a moment because we have gotten into the most complicate part of this thing at this point. First, make sure and bring a book, magazine, cell phone, i-pod, laptop, or miniature DVD player because you are going to be standing in line for a while and will need something to distract you. The counter you’re aiming for is manned or womanned by two people. One of them is on the phone trying to explain to the cheaters who call in before they come what 43 things are possibly wrong with their car and where to scrape away the grease to find the engine ID number, without which the parts person is lost as to accuracy of information given. The other person behind the counter is handling the line you’re in and can’t speak Spanish, which is slowing down everything. There are other people working the store, at least they’re wearing Auto Parts Store bolo shirts, but they’re on break and are cracking jokes with each other and with the person working your line, who looks nervous and harrowed. If your lucky, the manager will show up and everybody will get behind the counter and start shouting “Who’s next!” But don’t count on it; call your sister on your cell phone.
In front of you there will be several kinds of humans with various agenda to present before the lone parts person. Some of these people are so greasy that it is impossible to say for certain what their ethnicity is. They keep turning around in the line and looking at perfect strangers and saying things between their teeth that are sibilant for the most part and should not be repeated. All this angst is being caused by a well-dressed guy who is being served at the front of the line. He’s holding a tiny bottle of touch-up paint, you know, the kind that has a half tea-spoon of paint in it, dries up in the bottle after you break the seal, and costs $12 a bottle. He’s asking the counter person if the company that makes it is a subsidiary of the factory that produced the paint on his car which is an Oldsmobile. He’s not sure that Oldsmobile’s black paint is the same as the black paint in the tiny bottle he’s holding. The counter person doesn’t know, so the customer has asked for the manager, who’s not there at the moment. He wants to know if he can bring it back if it doesn’t match and what he needs to do to remove it if it doesn’t. He’s about made up his mind to buy it so now he’s asking what equipment he’s going to need to apply it; does he need Bond-o, should he get a mini-paint spray kit, is it going to glob, run, or feather if he uses a brush, what size brush should he get and does it matter whether it has synthetic or natural bristles, what grit emory cloth should he prepare the surface with, etc., etc., etc.
You might want to bring a sack lunch with you when you go, I just thought of that.
When you get to the counter, show the counter person the defective part. They’ll look up your car in their computer, so be ready with the make, model, color, whether its got an air conditioner, size of engine, tire pressure, leather or synthetic interior, inside diameter of the left exhaust pipe, an impression of the trunk key, what station is currently set on the radio... and with these simple bytes of information they will be able to find your car in their computer along with fourteen other cars made by the same body manufacturing corporation all of which have engines made in an equal number of corporations both domestic and abroad. Then, they’ll key in your defective part and bring up an array of possible parts you can choose from, some from the manufacturer, some new from other manufacturers, and some refurbished buy little companies with names like Magnum Gas Filter Reworks, or Bubbanators.
The most expensive will have a lifetime warranty, which means that they cover it as long as its working. You do realize they’re not saying they will replace it until you die, I hope. They’ll replace it until it dies... but they won’t replace it if its dead. And they won’t replace it unless something’s wrong with it. In other words, they won’t replace it at all. If you want a warranty, get a five year or one year warranty. Those actually warranty the part.
They may offer you a core recovery if you have the old part, which you do. If you don’t bring in the part though, you pay the full core charge price on the part. If you do this, keep the part in your glove compartment along with the receipt. That way, if you run out of money and need to buy something, you can exchange the part for money in the future. Its like having a little Income Tax Return in the middle of the year, quite cool.
Take the new part to the check out counter and wait a while. There’ll be someone leaning against the wall in front of you, but don’t bother him, he’s on break. A manager will show up shortly and scowl at him and his break will mysteriously be over and he will help you. He’ll probably flirt with you while ringing up the part as if you were totally raptured by the black grease under his fingernails and the flake of Skoal lodged between his two front teeth. When I go to the counter, I am called “Bud” if the counter person is a guy and “Hun” if she’s a woman. Any letters behind one’s name or any number of laborers one commands are meaningless in an Auto Parts Store. Even George W. Bush is “Bud” or “Hun” in an auto parts store.
Alright, back to our list:
5. When you get home (its up to you if you go immediately home or whether you go through the car wash first... you, not your car) put the new part where the old one was.
6. Put all the other parts where they were before.
7. Put any parts left over in the trunk of the car.
8. Call a trusted mechanic to haul the vehicle to his garage for proper repairs.
Just a couple of other tips before you take the plunge. It’s a good idea to have a parts manual for your car. You can acquire one at your local auto parts store. They usually have a rack with car books on it. Yours won’t be there, in fact, the only one’s you’ll see will be about ten copies of 1992 Chevy Cavalier. But you’ll probably find one within a year or two of your car. Its chancy, but you might want to buy one and work with it.
The book tells you in great detail how to deal with your car. There’s usually a Troubleshooter’s Guide in the back that’s pretty handy. It works like this:
Problem: Car won’t start
Possible solutions:
Using ignition key instead of trunk key.
Lack of fuel.
Defective electronic ignition.
Defective starter.
Dead or defective battery.
Defective alternator.
Defective valves.
Bent or broken cam shaft.
Timing gear.
Timing sprocket.
Blown head gasket.
Chrysler product.
The manual will also suggest tools that will facilitate the work on your car. If you happen to be replacing the front end suspension, the book may say, “Remove tie rod with tool number C1445B and tool number ZX65834.” If you order these tools from the company that makes the manuals (and they usually don’t sell tools), they’ll send you a ball-peen hammer and a crow bar.
Whatever you do, take your time and enjoy the adventure and the savings. Most shops charge a flat rate of thirty cents for all replacement parts and $700 and up for labor, so you are definitely beating inflation. Just make sure none of your small children are around while you work. They aren’t old enough to hear you talk that way.
_____________________________
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Letter from Branni - 6/2/2006 10:06:33 AM
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JoToP
Posts: 760
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I get letters from my Slavonic friend, Branislav Kolchensky, from time to time. most of them are too incomprehensible to share with the general public, but occassionally he sends me a letter he wants posted in his unusual mission to lift up the spirits and the intellect of Americans to the level of Bulgaria, which, as far as I know, no longer exists. Here's one of his letters for your benefit:
quote:
Gre-etings and Peace to all you followers of the decadent capitalist, George Vashington,
It is being a long time that I should degraded myself to the writing in this subversive Sloppe Shoppovich. But now that I drop by I might as well make you peoples smart with my wit. I am wery intelligent man in my country. Just last week, the Secretariat of the Polit Bureau... he calls me up and says to me, "Hey, Branni" (he call me 'Branni' because he is knowing me so well)... "Branni" he say, "Every time I drop my pumpernickel, it is falling to the ground with the butter side down. What is the problem, my good friend, Branni," he say. ( You notice, he call me his "good friend"... not just Branni. It is because I am important man in my country, is all.) So, I tell him. "You are buttering your pumpernickel on the wrong side."
So while JoToP is fixing the materialistic luxury items that are being manufactured by inferior American industry, I will do what I can to fix what is wrong with your mind. It is least I can be doing for poor American bourgeoisie.
I am forever (until I die),
Branislav Kolchensky
Very inspiring. I hope it helps you in your daily walk.
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HEY!!!!! - 6/2/2006 10:33:14 AM
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JoToP
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I just got a brand spankin' new 15 ton hydraulic jack!!! It is so cool! You just roll that sucker up under the car, taking care to find a balanced location, pump the handle three times and the car goes flying in the air. Its a little hard on the rafters, but now I can change those other three spark plugs without having to pull the motor.
BTW, down here in the South, that big lumpy thing under the hood that propells the car is called a "motor". I don't care what the Yankees think it is (they call it an engine, which is what we call the folks what used to live around here and litter the place with arrowheads). You can go to any mechanic in the South, toothless, spitting savants who are capable of making a car go from 1 to 60 in -2 seconds flat on corn mash, and they'll pat the hood and say, "Whut kinda mawtah ya got under thar." I rest my case.
Southern mechanics also kick your tires for free. They kick the tires because they have very sensitive toes... so sensitive that they can determine your tire pressure through their toes. Southern mechanics can also listen to your motor and tell what's wrong. I've seen it many times, Bob leans into the open hood for a thoughtful minute then announces, "The #3 lobe on the cam shaft is worn down by .5 mm. It wants some Valvoline." Some Southern mechanics can diagnose the problem by inserting a divining rod up the tail pipe. I don't ask questions, they never fail to return my car to me in perfect operating condition.
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A Product of Deep Meditation - 6/7/2006 8:05:49 AM
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JoToP
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I just got out of the Lotus Position (it only took fifteen minutes this time, to get out of the position, that is) where my mind left my body and went into the cosmos in search of deep wisdom and understanding. Mysteriously, my mind came back to a common theme, Swiss Cake Rolls... the state of perfect nothingness.
The only other thing I can think of to say about Swiss Cake Rolls is that the name is obviously designed to leave One with the impression that One is eating Something Classy because it is chocolate and has the name “Swiss” attached to its moniker and everyone knows that the Swiss are the best in the world at making chocolate products ever since they managed to get their names on Swiss Miss Cocoa. Feeling Classy while eating a pasty, overly sweetened log of Food Product is very important to some people and is preferable to eating the exact same product and feeling Kooky or Ridiculous because it has the name Ding Dong, Twinky or Google on the package.
What claim does Switzerland have on fine chocolate products? That’s the trouble with the German-type people. They think that just because they can make clocks and toy soldiers — that somehow makes them the leading experts on chocolate. Besides, if you look at a current map, you’ll see that cocoa comes from the tropics of South and Central America where bananas, plantains and maniacs grow. It would make more since to believe that native South and Central Americans would know a thing or two about their own product. Switzerland, on the other hand, is on the same latitude as Fargo, North Dakota where icicles, wiregrass and Yetis grow, and needs to stick to Army Knives and cheese and keep their frigid noses out of the tropical business and you can take that to the bank.
I will now approach this topic in a Scientific Manner by listing the ingredients of the Swiss Cake Roll, which will also serve to fill in space and make this paper appear Long and Scholarly.
Ingredients: Sugar, corn syrup, water, vegetable shortening (Partly hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oil), enriched bleached flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamine, mononitrate [vitamin B1], riboflavin [vitamin B2], folic acid), dextrose, cocoa, eggs, soybean oil, colors (caramel color, red 40), whey (milk), leavening (baking soda, sodium aluminum phosphate) emulsifiers (sorbitan monostearate, polysorbate 60, soy, lecithin, mono- and diglycerides), salt, cornstarch, sorbic acid (to retain freshness) natural and artificial flavors.
It has to be written in infinitesimal letters so that you will not be able to duplicate the formula which, when not being used for making junk food and with only slight adjustments can produce a biochemical weapon capable of annihilating every living organism within an area equal to five city-blocks.
Now, you would think that this is an absolutely exhaustive list of the Swiss Cake Roll’s ingredients, but you would be wrong. There is much that is Not said in the above list and That is what bothers me. For instance, just what are “caramel color” and “red #40?” A bit of brief research will reveal that they are made up of the following ingredients: acetone, methylene chloride, trinitrotoluene, lysergic acid diethylamide. Polysorbate 60 actually means “many sore bates”, including punctured earthworms, crickets and spring lizzards (salamanders); 60, to be exact. You’ll notice that sorbic acid adds the explanatory parenthetical remark (to retain freshness) suggesting that this particular chemical is ordinarily well known to be used for something else like retaining freshness in Egyptian mummies. And you may have noticed the term “emulsifiers” and wondered, as I did, what exactly that means. Well, it means “suspension of one liquid into another that will not naturally mix”, like Swiss Cake Roll juice and human blood.”
The real attraction to junk food is supposed to be the taste, and this is where things really get complicated because, according to the list of ingredients, the Swiss Cake Roll contains Both natural AND artificial flavors. But I can tell that there are no Natural flavors in the Swiss Cake Roll because the Only Natural Flavor that exists for junk food is Root Beer. The only hard candy that tastes like what it claims to be is the Root Beer Barrel, anybody knows this. Everything else is Artificial Flavor like cherry, grape, lemon, lime, raspberry, strawberry and cheese. Grape candy can only claim to be “grape” because of the purple food dye that is in it. It may look “grapish”, but it in no way tastes anything like an actual grape. “Cheese” flavor tortilla chips or Nachos are covered with an orange powder extracted from the cheetoh plant which is there to make the consumer think that he/she is eating something that tastes like cheese, when actually it tastes like exactly what it is: riboflavin.
Otherwise, the only thing that is really important on the package of Little Debbie’s
Original Swiss Cake Rolls is the chocolate icing that has stripped off of the cake roll and is clinging to the inside of the wrapper waiting to be removed with the two front teeth, which evolutionists inform us is a vestige of our ancient beaver ancestry, but which we now know, in light of the above observation is there by design. Second to that in importance, however, is the word “The Original.” This word is there to inform you that in the complex world of Food Products, there exists at least one counterfeit to the Swiss Cake Roll, so beware! Eat a fake cake roll at your own risk, there’s no telling what may be in it. And even if its ingredients are completely innocuous, partaking of it could stigmatize you into some undesirable class stratification, whatever That means.
The truly Astonishing thing about it all is that Young Humans actually consume large quantities of Swiss Cake Rolls and, thereby, eagerly add to their growing supply of adipose tissue. Out of a Control Group of 1000 Young Humans, at least 1200 enthusiastically embrace Swiss Cake Rolls, which explains why so many Young Humans have chocolate smudges on their ankle-length tee shirts. The real problem is finding a Control Group of Young Humans, for, as any Old Humans know intimately, “Youth” and “Control” are two words that are as compatible as “Nitro” and “Glycerine.” But, then as we have seen, so are “Swiss” and “Chocolate” and they’re laughing and yodeling all the way to die Bank.
< Message edited by JoToP -- 6/7/2006 8:17:33 AM >
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Taking on N.T.Wright - 6/7/2006 8:29:57 AM
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JoToP
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You may not be interested in a theological treatise, at this point, but try to stretch out and think deeply. There are big ideas being knocked around the theological schools these days that tend to filter down to the "common pew sleeper warmer". You would do well to understand where some of this comes from. I therefore submit, for your edification, this scholarly paper on biblical hermeneutic.
THE NEW MOSINE PERSPECTIVE
A New and Unheard Of Hermeneutic (Which Means, “How to Understand the Bible, in Plain English) and I Can Say All This Because Subtitles are Supposed to be Long So That They Can Explain Everything the Paper is Going to Be About As If I Weren’t Going to do That In the Body of the Paper Anyway.... Thank You
by JoToP
I’ve been looking over the New Pauline Perspective lately and I think that we of the Reformed Presbyterian Church in the United States should reconsider our position on it. Maybe we have been a bit hasty in our judgment of those who believe that we should take on a more Hebraic Approach to understanding the Bible. This New Pauline Perspective does have some interesting points in spite of the fact that it is named after a girl.
First, it states that we should not approach the Bible as Westerners, even though the last word in the book of Jonah is “cattle.” This is easy enough for me because I am not from the West. I am from North Mississippi and I, therefore, take a North Mississippian approach to everything.
There is great danger in taking a Western approach to interpreting the Bible. It is because of a Western approach that the Children of Israel worshiped a Golden Calf or Dogie. If they had been thinking Hebraically, as they should have been, they’d have worshiped a Golden Camel.
Now that I have plainly demonstrated how thinking Western can lead to false doctrine and practice, you can see how it would not be desirable for us to view the Church as an Open Cattle Range instead of as a Multi-National Corporation as it should be viewed. New Proselytes would have to be hog-tied and branded with “Lazy Cross” or “Fish” or “Fish Eating Darwin” brands or other Sacred Symbols. Christians would be driven in huge droves by the tens of thousands from Houston to Abilene. Satan would be a Mule Skinner and pastors would chew tobacco. “Blessed are the Peacemakers” would refer to a Colt 44. It would not be a pretty sight.
On the other hand, those who believe in the New Pauline Perspective teach that a Western view is somehow synonymous with a Greek outlook. I think that’s pretty silly. I’ve only heard of one Greek cowboy in my life and that was Anthony Quin. If you just Need verification of this So Obvious Fact, I refer you to the Clint Eastwood movie, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, which so Authentically portrays the Actual West and was, in fact, filmed on location in Western Italy.
There is a lot more charm to thinking Hebraically. I take it that this means that we should think about biblical stuff in the same way that a Modern Israeli would. After all, how can anyone in this century think like a Hebrew that died 2,000 years ago? So it must mean Israeli because they’re the only people left on earth who speak Hebrew and Hence— think Hebraically.
Using Modern Hebrews as our guide might be kind of fun. We could, under this paradigm, settle doctrinal and interdenominational disputes by means of Car Bombs and Precision Air Strikes. We might even pick up a few juicy subsidies from the Co-Operative Program.
But, I ask, why stop there? According to the New Danieline Perspective, we should interpret the Bible Babylaically. Wouldn’t you like to see our August Reverends in Braided Beards? Or we could adopt a Davidine Interpretation and think Philistaically or Moabaically. How about a New Judgine Perspective in which we interpret the Bible from a Canaanaic slant.
You can see, by now, where I’m heading, no doubt. To the Fridge for a Ham and Swiss on Rye. But before I go there, I would like to propose the oldest and most pristine Hermeneutic Principle known to man:
THE NEW MOSINE PERSPECTIVE
(Hence, the Title)
This perspective presupposes that Moses, who was trained in Pharoah’s Court (Hebrews 11:24 ), interpreted the Creation, the Fall and the Covenant, get this— Egyptaically. This concept revolutionizes the way we should interpret Scripture, placing E. Wallace Budge and Rosetta Stone in their proper places at the top of our list of great theologians.
Now, just what great theological doctrines can be extracted Egyptaically from the Bible? Well, I’m proposing that this New Mosine Perspective is going to clear up a Lot of confusion in the way in which we approach the Bible. First of all, when you approach the Bible you Must be sure that you are going Toward the Bible and not Away from it. That is very Key to approaching the Bible as it is very difficult to actually pick up the Bible and read it when you are Physically moving Away from the book.
Another thing is to look at the words as something like hieroglyphic symbols. Instead of seeing a word in the Bible like “man” as just a word, you must understand that what it is Actually saying is “human being.” This also helps you to understand that “the Children of Israel” were actually grownups and not children in the strict sense of the word. And another word that is very confusing in the Bible is “milchkine.” This is not an Actual milchkine as we know them, but is a Picture, if you get my meaning, of a “milk cow.” Now, how else, except by means of an Egyptaic paradigm, are you going to understand these terms and many, many more besides?
Another aspect of the New Mosine Perspective is to see the Bible as Two-Dimensional, like an Egyptian base-relief sculpture. Now, don’t get me wrong. The Bible, as a book is not Two-Dimensional. That’s ridiculous. Like all books, the Bible is Three-Dimensional. It’s the pages that are Two-Dimensional, seeing that they are flat. It’s the flatness of the pages of the Bible that keep all the words from bobbing up and down and floating out the window. I hope you can see how complicated it would be to understand the Bible if this happened and we can thank the Egyptians for the Two- Dimensional aspect of the Bible. After all, they’re the guys who wrote on papyrus, which is where the word “paper” comes from.
Now, so far, I have written this Highly Professional Article having made use of no less than four (4) footnotes, which just goes to show how Authentic and Intellectual its contents are.
My Third Principle of Mosine interpretation of the Bible has to do with those Egyptian carvings and paintings of Men In Profile with long, one-toed feet one out in front of the other in such a way that they would not possibly be able to walk. I’m assuming that they actually slid from place to place, possibly because Mankind had not yet learned how to lift up one foot at a time and put it back down again. They also had hands with fingers tightly spanned together like a Karate Chop. This may be because Mankind had not yet learned how to make a fist. I’m not exactly sure what this has to do with interpreting the Bible, but I’m working on it because I’m sure it’s Key and I’m open to any suggestions no matter how idiotic. In the meantime, don’t give up reading the Bible just because you haven’t got the hang of thinking Egyptaically, yet. Maybe if you try sliding your feet one in front of the other while reading it’ll come to you at least that you could use some professional help. But if you don’t try understanding the Bible at all, well...Tut, Tut.
< Message edited by JoToP -- 6/7/2006 8:32:01 AM >
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Problems getting tobacco - 6/7/2006 5:27:12 PM
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JoToP
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O.K.! I went into CVS yesterday to get a pack of pipe tobacco. I sez to the cashier, sez I, "I need a pack of Borkum Riff Cherry Cavendish pipe tobacco. It's in a red pack." So I'm sorter watching her out of the corner of my eye and pretending to read the cover of a magazine. Its Cosmopolitan and contains about a dozen articles on how women should do unmentionable things for their men. My mind isn't on it really because I'm coming into that age where what pushes my buttons are articles on Second Temple Judaism and Variegated Nomism. The cashier is getting frustrated, looking through the cigar section. She's just about to pick up a pack of Red Man chewing tobacco. She did hear me say "red". Then she triumphantly pick up a black pack of pipe tobacco, so she did hear me say "pipe". I say, "Its in a red pack" and go on with my hair raising perusal of Cosmo. (What in the Sam Hill is a V-Zone? Don't answer.) Finally after almost picking up Captain Black she discovers the prize and brings it to the register. Red faced, she says, and I quote, "Oh. You want Borkum Riff."
So, it was my fault that she took so long finding the product. You see, I told her up front that I wanted Borkum Riff. But apparently I told her subconcious and not her concious mind. She heard me say "Borkum Riff" otherwise how would she have known that I wanted Borkum Riff? My bad for not making sure that when I said it, the words did not filter up to the conscious level more quickly.
So, I said, "Could you get me a pack of Borkum Riff Ultralight? Its in a silver pack." I was buying time while reading the headline of Globe, "Twelve year old gives birth to Batboy."
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Having to do with... - 6/7/2006 5:45:44 PM
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JoToP
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