|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/19/2009 11:11:33 PM
|
|
|
Melissa11102006
Posts: 3638
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: formerly MyCatSmokey2006
Status: offline
|
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. ' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
_____________________________
Melissa
My Blog
GO GREEN: RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2010 & 2012!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/19/2009 11:32:47 PM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
ROFLOL
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/22/2009 7:55:49 PM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
A Man was in a big supermarket buying a 2 large bags of dog biscuits for his 2 dogs.
He was standing in the queue at the till when the woman behind him asked if he had a dog.
Thinking it was a very stupid question he replied on impulse. “No, I’m starting The Dog Food Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but by then I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”
Shocked, the woman said “50 pounds?”.
“Yes”, he replied, “it was essentially the perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I am going to try it again.”
At this point everyone in the queue was enthralled with the story.
However the woman was horrified and asked if he’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned.
“No”, he said “It was because I was sitting in the road licking myself when a car hit me.”
Stupid woman……….why else would he be buying dog food??
< Message edited by Marcus. -- 10/22/2009 8:02:28 PM >
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 9:55:52 PM
|
|
|
Melissa11102006
Posts: 3638
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: formerly MyCatSmokey2006
Status: offline
|
A young man was playing drums in the Sunday morning church service. After the service a grey haired lady came up to the drummer and said,
"Son, don't you know the devil is in those drums?"
"Yes Ma'am," he said, "And I'm trying to beat the devil out of them!"
< Message edited by MyCatSmokey2006 -- 10/24/2009 10:02:57 PM >
_____________________________
Melissa
My Blog
GO GREEN: RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2010 & 2012!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 10:02:14 PM
|
|
|
Melissa11102006
Posts: 3638
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: formerly MyCatSmokey2006
Status: offline
|
Talking dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard..
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA..
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that [original word edited out due to TOS]!'
_____________________________
Melissa
My Blog
GO GREEN: RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2010 & 2012!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 10:08:59 PM
|
|
|
Melissa11102006
Posts: 3638
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: formerly MyCatSmokey2006
Status: offline
|
3 tomatoes walk along a busy street when the smallest begins to fall behind. the other 2 tomatoes go back to see what's wrong and scold the small tomato and start yelling "why didn't you ketchup!"
_____________________________
Melissa
My Blog
GO GREEN: RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2010 & 2012!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 10:15:11 PM
|
|
|
Melissa11102006
Posts: 3638
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: formerly MyCatSmokey2006
Status: offline
|
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail...
(or better yet, just keep them after they take their picture???)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells...
'THEIRS'?
_____________________________
Melissa
My Blog
GO GREEN: RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2010 & 2012!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 10:23:39 PM
|
|
|
Melissa11102006
Posts: 3638
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: formerly MyCatSmokey2006
Status: offline
|
When I got home the other night, the wife says, "I want to go out tonight and I want to go somewhere expensive."
So I took her to the gas station.
_____________________________
Melissa
My Blog
GO GREEN: RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2010 & 2012!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 11:51:32 PM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
The plaintiff sued the Acme Moving Company for injuries suffered when the Acme Moving Van hit the plaintiff's truck,
which was carrying his prize mule, Bessie. Acme’s lawyer, in the course of cross-examining the plaintiff, asked:
"When the state trooper came to the scene of the accident and asked how you were, you said, ‘I feel fine,’ didn't you?"
The plaintiff responded, "Well, yes."
The lawyer could not leave well enough alone, so he then asked: "Now you claim that you were severely injured,
so why did you say that you felt fine immediately after the accident?"
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into my truck and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’"
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/24/2009 11:58:50 PM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
A lawyer was questioning a doctor during a trial:
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: Not willing to leave any stone unturned, the lawyer asked one more question. "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: The doctor said with a grin, "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/25/2009 12:00:49 AM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.
Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute, ‘ returned the old man, in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.
‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘ Been married to your sister for 48 years.’
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/29/2009 12:10:28 AM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured & unconscious. On the opposite side of
the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious, alert & as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed & moving north along the
highway here & coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other & both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, & he
yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-4-nothing, fat, left
wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses & acts like
a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah?
Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
when a truck hit us."
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/29/2009 12:11:40 AM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
Pinocchio, Snow White & Superman stroll into town. Walking along they see 3 signs:
"Most beautiful woman in the world Beauty Contest" "Im entering!" said Snow White.
"Strongest man in the world Contest" "I'm entering," says Superman.
"Greatest liar in the world Contest!" Thats 4 me! says Pinocchio
1/2 hr later they all come out. Howd it go?
1st place! said Snow White & Superman
Pinocchio returns w/tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
"Who the **ll is Nancy Pelosi?"
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/29/2009 12:13:10 AM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/29/2009 12:15:22 AM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. ...
I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan . Go figure!
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 10/29/2009 12:20:10 AM
|
|
|
Marcus.
Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
|
A 6th grade teacher asked her class how many were Obama fans.
Not knowing but wanting praise, all kids raised their hands except 4 little Johnny.
The teacher asked Johnny why.
"Because I'm not an Obama fan."
Teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"
"I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked why are you a Republican.
"My Mom & Dad are Republican, so I'm one to."
Annoyed, the teacher asked, "If your Mom was a moron & your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Smiling Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."
_____________________________
'Woe unto those who call evil good and good evil." (Isaiah 5:20)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/1/2009 7:15:28 PM
|
|
|
raspberry331
Posts: 3029
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline
|
Blonde Law and Order...
The local sheriff in a small suburban town was looking for a deputy. He posted ads in the paper, and sure enough, Lisa, a wonderful looking blonde, went in to try out for the job. She wasn't the sharpest nail in the bucket, but seeing as she had a natural charisma about her, the sheriff gave her an interview...
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Lisa, what is 1 and 1?"
"11!" she enthusiastically replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right in a way..."
"Okay, Lisa. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Shucks, that's easy," the blonde replied. "Today and tomorrow!"
The sheriff was again surprised that Lisa supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
He thought of his next question carefully to make sure there could be no equivocation about the answer:
"Now Lisa, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Lisa looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while," the sheriff replied with satisfaction.
So, Lisa wandered over to the salon where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"How'd it go?" they all asked.
Lisa was ecstatic. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/5/2009 12:28:35 PM
|
|
|
raspberry331
Posts: 3029
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline
|
Little Known Illnesses
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 11/5/2009 12:39:15 PM
|
|
|
Tashilein
Posts: 450
Joined: 9/30/2008
From: Belgium living in Bahrain
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: raspberry331
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
If only they'd still make those coffee flavored oreos.... *drool* /feels like Homer Simpson whenever he thinks about anything food-related
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
