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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/25/2008 5:27:03 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1605
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: online
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quote:
He is the sole bread winner in the family and I am scared that we are going to lose everything. We are behind in all our bills and this is just making things worse. I am afraid that the way of life that I have been living and wanted for so long will end too. I am a stay at home mom and homeschool. I don't want that to end.
I am so sorry to read this.  It has happened to friends of mine through the twelve years I have been home schooling. It is always heart-breaking when father lets his family down, for any reason.
Are you in touch with drug professionals? Or even Al-Anon? I am wondering what a rehab counselor would advise. I think it might be to start praying for and looking for work that can support you and your kids.
You might still be able to home school. I know mom's who do, and you will most likely find a lot of support in your home school community: people who can watch your kids while you work, share curriculum with you, pick up your children for outings.
Or you might find another solution for your education needs. Public schools vary greatly in quality form location to location, but even in a worse-case scenario public school, if God is with you there is no reason to fear. God is faithful, and if it needs to be public school for a season or even a whole school career, He will watch over your students and bless them. You can still build a godly home, with lots of love and support for each other, without home schooling. But I am sure you know that. 
But I would start with a rehab counselor and begin planning for the future form there, with much prayer .
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/25/2008 5:43:45 PM
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pstrdebi
Posts: 739
Joined: 4/28/2008
From: So. Oregon, by way of So. Cal.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PatricksPeaches
I need some strong Godly advice. Let me start by saying that I am a Christian and my husband is not. I was in a great rebellion when we met and married. We have 2 children. When I met him he had a drug problem but he has always wanted to change. He was in and out of jail and this last time (a year ago) seemed to really be the last. He came out and went into a treatment program for 21 days. He is in the Drug court program in our county which is high accountability for drug offenders. He sees a probation officer every other week, a judge every other week, and has mandatory drug testing twice a week. He did very good in this program. That is up until last month. He has gone out and used four times on weekends that he knows he can get away with it. He knows that if he uses one day and is clean for 48 hours after, he can take a supplement to flush his system and be clean for his drug test.
It is a holiday weekend, and he is gone. He called from work yesterday and everything sounded fine but he never came home. That is his MO when he is using so I know that is exactly what he is doing. My question is this, how do I handle this now? I know that being unequally yoked is a problem (we have been going to church and biblical counseling, thought it could change), and I chose to marry him. Now that I am back in line with God, how do I deal with this? I used to get mad and yell at him. That never helped. I have tried to be understanding and have patience but that never helped. I am at the point now that I don't even want to be married to him.
We have been going to biblical counseling for our marriage but that seems to be a mute issue now. He is the sole bread winner in the family and I am scared that we are going to lose everything. We are behind in all our bills and this is just making things worse. I am afraid that the way of life that I have been living and wanted for so long will end too. I am a stay at home mom and homeschool. I don't want that to end.
What do I do? How should I handle all this? I have been through this too many times and my heart is hurting. All that is in me says that I should have known better but I let myself be in this situation. I have prayed for him everyday and don't know what else to do. Please, help me figure this all out.
Peaches... You are asking for advise... but you and others may not like the advice I give.
I believe in your heart... you already know what you need to do.
Let me tell you, I can tell by your post that the problem is meth. And I can also tell you that if he is back to doing it after another stint in jail... he is NOT ready to give it up.
You also asked for strong advice... so here it is. Your husband is selfish and puts his drugs before his family. If this were not true he would be home with you right now... And you wouldn't be left crying once again. You wouldn't be hurting and your children wouldn't be asking where he is.
I am not sure what else you have gone through... but there is always an element of abuse that comes along with meth use... if not physical, I can guarentee you that you have been through a ton of emotional and mental abuse... as well as a ton of promises, only to be left with emptiness once again.
You are unequally yoked. DON'T let anyone tell you that you need to stay because you are a Christian. That is NOT what the Bible says (1 Cor 7:15). You are GOD'S first... not your own and not your husbands. And God wants you to serve Him and bear fruit. You cannot serve two masters... You cannot serve God and the world. Your husband is of the world and does not want to change... and he is bringing the world into your home. He is bringing evil spirits and sin into the home where you and your children live. Your children, no matter how young they might be, are learning and will continue to learn these worlldly patterns from your husband... and I am sure that if you think about it, you will be able to pin-point certain things that your children are already doing (unless they are very young) that reflect your husbands behaviors. (arguing, hitting, ignoring you, disrespect, etc.). You are admonished by God to raise them in the ways of the Lord.
The Bible outlines 2 specific Biblical reasons for divorce. Adultery (Matt 19:9) and abandonment (1 Cor 7:15). You have already reflected in your post... abandonment... his always leaving you, his MO.
I would ask you to read the following verses and speak to God about the plans and desires He has for YOU. God WILL make a way for you when you are in obedience.
Read John 15:1-8... paying close attention to verse 2. As I said... you are first God's, and He is a jealous God. Is your attention always given to the cirrcumstances of your life? Are you always consummed by the pain and hurt in your life? Are you able to devote your life to God with your marriage being centered in Christ? These are important questions. God tells us to love the Lord, our God with ALL our heart, ALL our soul and ALL our strength. If your husband and his ongoing adictions and lifestyle are preventing this... than you need to be before the Lord in prayer regarding this verse.
There is a little Bible study called "secrets of the vine" by Bruce Wilkerson. This will help you to sort some of these questions out.
I would love to counsel with you further... If you want to talk, you can PM me and I'll give you my number.
God bless you... and I will be praying for you.
Pastor Debi
< Message edited by pstrdebi -- 5/25/2008 5:52:25 PM >
_____________________________
"For in Him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:28a
http://www.therockfellowship.org
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/25/2008 6:16:06 PM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 306
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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[quote:
Let me tell you, I can tell by your post that the problem is meth. And I can also tell you that if he is back to doing it after another stint in jail... he is NOT ready to give it up.
First, no it is not meth that he uses. It is usually cocaine or heroin. He usually snorts it or smokes it, not that that matters. He has been in and out of jail but this was the first time he went to a treatment program and had truly changed for a year. Now I don't know what it is that is getting him back into it. He had used our other marital problems as an excuse in the past but now he can't do that because we have been in counseling and I have made changes that he says were the problem.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/25/2008 6:26:16 PM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 306
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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quote:
Are you in touch with drug professionals? Or even Al-Anon? I am wondering what a rehab counselor would advise. I think it might be to start praying for and looking for work that can support you and your kids.
We go to biblical counselors but not for this issue. He was supposed to see the counselor by himself starting next week.
quote:
You might still be able to home school. I know mom's who do, and you will most likely find a lot of support in your home school community: people who can watch your kids while you work, share curriculum with you, pick up your children for outings.
Unfortunately I do not have a big home school community here. There is only 2 or 3 other families in my church that home school. And my family is not to be counted on for babysitting. I have worked in the past but had to pay daycare and that was hard because I was working just to pay for daycare. I still couldn't make my bills.
quote:
Or you might find another solution for your education needs. Public schools vary greatly in quality form location to location, but even in a worse-case scenario public school, if God is with you there is no reason to fear.
I have sent my oldest to public school. They are just so mean and clique there. She was picked on for not having the best shoes and clothes and such, at only 7 years old. And I would still have to find daycare for my two year old.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/25/2008 8:14:19 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6052
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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Have you considered telling his probation officer, in confidence, what he is doing? He could probably then increase the frequency of the drug testing.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/25/2008 8:24:01 PM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 306
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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quote:
Have you considered telling his probation officer, in confidence, what he is doing? He could probably then increase the frequency of the drug testing.
Yes I have thought of that. I am just not sure if that is a can of worms I want to open. He might resent the fact that I did that. He would know that it was me calling. Since he "passes" all his tests, it would have to be someone who knows what he is doing. That would be only me and his mother. I don't know what the consequences of that would be.
The punishment for him getting caught using while in the program is a weekend in jail and he wouldn't be able to move up in the program. Doesn't seem enough to me!! But that is their punishment. I would expect them to send him back to a treatment program but I guess that is not in their budget.
I just don't know what to do. I have prayed long and hard and haven't gotten an answer. I will keep praying but in the meantime, I want to know others views.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/26/2008 2:11:49 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1605
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: online
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I really hope you will choose to see a rehab counselor yourself. A drug professional might help you walk through the steps required to take care of yourself and your children. A Christian counselor or pastor with experience in rehab would be even better, as they could pray with you too! 
A drug professional can help you see what "opening that can of worms" will look like, for you and your children.
More importantly, they could help you see what the future might look like, for you and your children, should you decline to open that can of worms.
Worms are not all bad. Sometimes in life you just have to deal with worms, ya know?
And as far as your public school, having a bad experience in the past doesn't mean your daughter is doomed to have a bad experience in the future. Things could get better. Happens to God's people all the time, you know. 
I am most concerned that you seem to feel trapped and hopeless. There is always hope with Jesus, and you are not trapped if you don't want to be. Drug abuse hurts the whole family, not just the user, and it seems to have robbed you of your confidence that you CAN have a better life.
I really strongly suggest you see a drug counselor yourself, someone who can help you let go of what might have been and help you deal with what actually is. You will feel so much stronger and happier about your self once you start taking action to make things better.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/26/2008 3:41:31 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7000
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
Status: offline
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Peaches- have you considered a Celebrate Recovery program? If he won't attend (and he might not) you could at least attend for issues of co-dependency.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/26/2008 9:44:06 PM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 306
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I have sent an e-mail to my biblical counselor regarding this issue. I have not gotten a reply yet.
My husband however called me from his mothers house today after she left me an e-mail stating that he was there. She stated in her e-mail that he claims his car, license and all were stolen. Just another lie!!! He has his car!! She also stated that his dad was yelling at him about all this.
I told him that he is not allowed to come back home until he is ready to go back to a treatment program. He says he can't just go back like that. I don't know what he is going to do. As for me, I am just going to continue my life like normal. I am not going to let him hold me back. Hopefully my counselor will have advice for me too. Please, keep the comments coming. It is good to know I am not alone in all this. I really can't talk to my family about this because they say that it's my fault for getting involved in this and I should have known better. They are probably right but the fact is, I am in this.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 12:35:38 PM
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Ruthie
Posts: 77
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Center of the Universe, Canada
Status: offline
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I know I might get flack for this but I come from a Addict household (alcoholism) and I know of what I speak.
Get a divorce. Stop putting up with his single-minded devotion to himself and get a divorce.
The longer your kids live in a home with an addict, the more screwed up they will get. I very very strongly recommend joining Al-Anon and any and all help you can get for your kids. They may not grow up to be addicts but they learn all kinds of mal-adaptive behaviour that will give them nothing but heartache for decades to come.
Growing up with an addict for a father is a horrible, awful thing to live through. Trust me on this.
I still don't trust people, I've had a mental breakdown, and I struggle with rage. Forgiving has been very hard because I'm so angry with him.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 12:45:12 PM
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2shaye
Posts: 5408
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: So. Cal.
Status: offline
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Seek out a Teen Challenge center near you. They likely will offer counseling (free). They are not just for teens. Teen Challenge is THE MOST SUCCESSFUL drug and alcohol program in the world (it's documented). They are a free one year residential program. Even if your husband does not enter the program, you can receive support and counseling. If you don't know where one is, go to the website at www.teenchallenge.com to fine one near you.
Stay strong and pray for wisdom my friend. God is big enough to restore your husband and your marriage.
_____________________________
aka Skipperjoe
I Love New York!
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 12:48:44 PM
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BlackCloud
Posts: 7
Joined: 9/1/2006
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Find a TCM to do accupuncture to stop addiction, in hands, there is a place to help people to stop addiction.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 2:33:34 PM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 306
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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I have heard about this program. Haven't really checked it out.
Hubby says that if he goes to a in-patient treatment he will be "admitting he has used" (even though he has, he has passed all drug tests) to his PO and she will just put him in jail. We have medicaid that would pay for out-patient treatment. Also, he needs to go to AA/NA like he is supposed to do anyway (he falsifies his AA/NA list that he gives his PO). Plus, the biblical counselors are still wiling to meet with him.
Did I just answer my OWN question here?? Does that sound like a good start to you all? Or should I just say enough is enough because he is never going to change and just move on with my life? Why is it so hard to decide?!!!!!
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 4:16:19 PM
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2shaye
Posts: 5408
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: So. Cal.
Status: offline
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MANY, MANY people are "sentenced" to Teen Challenge. If your dh confesses and admits he needs help and, let's say, wants to go into Teen Challenge (and is accepted, of course), this might be allowed INSTEAD of jail time. Teen Challenge has a reputation within the court system and many judges are willing to send an addict there because of their success rate, as well as the burden is less on society (money to house and feed them). BTW, Teen Challenge is absolutely free!
FWIW, I believe you should pray that God will heal your husband and your marriage. Boundaries? Yes. Separation? Possibly. Divorce? No. JMO...
_____________________________
aka Skipperjoe
I Love New York!
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 10:24:36 PM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 306
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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I told him that he can not come back unless he is willing to go to out patient treatment, biblical counseling, and meetings everyday. He says he can't because he don't have gas money to go to all these places. Then he continued to throw all the issues that I go to counseling for, in my face. He says I haven't changed either. He says he is going to take the van too because I don't need that if I can do it all on my own. I say, come get it!!! And all your clothes too!!! He says I don't take care of my kids now, so how am I going to on my own. I say, not your concern!!! I will worry about me and the kids. He says go sell your computer and get a car. I say, I will. This is all too much for me!! I don't know how much more I can handle before I have a breakdown of some sort. Please, please, keep praying for me.
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RE: Husband with drug problem - 5/27/2008 10:30:03 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7000
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
Status: offline
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I will pray for you and I would suggest that you consider a Celebrate Recovery group at least for yourself.
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