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rachay2 -> Question for you. (11/1/2009 11:11:44 PM)

Does a husband have the right to tell his wife she should not be friends with someone?

More information... For years my husband has asked me to cut off friendship with a friend I have known since elementary school. I have known her since we were 9 years old. So, long that she feels like family to me. I have cut back as far as not visiting her, but I do not feel that it would be right not to be her friend. I do not feel as though God would want me to do that either. I don't call her and only write her if she writes me.

Recently I accepted her friend request on Facebook, so we do have a little more contact now. When my husband noticed he told me that he thought I was being disrespectful and that it just showed him that I really don't care what he says or thinks. I think he is being unreasonable. He says he doesn't like her even though he can't pinpoint exactly why he never has.

So, I found out today that he removed her and her husband from my friends list. He told me that if I didn't he would, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he did. I haven't said anything to him about it, but I am not pleased with this. In fact I am considering changing my password and adding them back.

Before I actually do that I need some feedback. Am I wrong? Should I let her go just becasue he doesn't like her and wants me too? I mean just becasue he says so? Don't I get a choice? Doesn't the fact that we have been friends for so long count for anything? She is a Christian and she is not in any way a bad influence on me. She is very dear to me.



Liveloved -> RE: Question for you. (11/1/2009 11:41:03 PM)

There is obviously something or some reason for your husband (for years) asking you to end this friendship. If this has been going on for some time, surely you've talked about this and come to a better understanding of what is going on.

For him to eliminate them as friends on your FB account seems rather drastic. Is there something either you don't know or haven't shared with us? It really doesn't make sense to me.[sm=sadquestion.gif]



michele_erin -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 12:18:32 AM)

quote:

Does a husband have the right to tell his wife she should not be friends with someone?
I think that both spouses should be able to share their opinions on each other's friends. For example, if I had a friend who was a bad influence and everytime we got together we went out drinking, partying, dancing, etc., then I would expect my husband to tell me that he didn't want me to hang out with her. Or even the same for him.


quote:

He says he doesn't like her even though he can't pinpoint exactly why he never has.

Personally, to me, that doesn't seem like a good enough reason, and it appears that he is trying to control you for absolutely no good reason at all. Do you have other friends? Does he prevent you from other friendships? If yes, then it sounds like you guys need to get into counseling because that is a serious issue. Controlling, isolation.

quote:

Before I actually do that I need some feedback. Am I wrong? Should I let her go just becasue he doesn't like her and wants me too? I mean just becasue he says so? Don't I get a choice? Doesn't the fact that we have been friends for so long count for anything? She is a Christian and she is not in any way a bad influence on me. She is very dear to me.


Well, if this is the whole story (not trying to offend you here) -- then no you are not wrong. I would change my password, and add them back on. Personally, I have no problem with my husband going on my email, facebook, etc., (he doesn't tho), but if he did that to me, I'd be ticked. I'd also try to have a very long conversation with my husband as to the reason why he doesn't like her, other than just cuz. If its just cuz, then that is not a sufficient enough answer and I would tell him exactly what you told us, she is a dear friend, she is a Christian, she is not a bad influence, and I'm not cutting her out of my life and I'm very upset that you would do that to me, the woman you are supposed to love. Ask me to cut friends out of my life.

I'll add you to my prayers. My heart is with you -- I know this can't be easy.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 12:30:42 AM)

If he is normally fine about you having friends then there must be a reason why he has said this.Maybe she is a bad influence. Maybe he has noticed things that you havent. Maybe you act differently when you are around her.
I know that if my husband said something like this there would have to be a very good reaon, as he is so laid back and accepting so if he did ask me to do this I would do it (after talking about it).
I do think it was wrong of him to actually block them himself, but I do think the two of you need to have a serious talk/pray about this and try and get to the bottom of it.



michele_erin -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 1:28:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

If he is normally fine about you having friends then there must be a reason why he has said this.Maybe she is a bad influence. Maybe he has noticed things that you havent. Maybe you act differently when you are around her.
I know that if my husband said something like this there would have to be a very good reaon, as he is so laid back and accepting so if he did ask me to do this I would do it (after talking about it).
I do think it was wrong of him to actually block them himself, but I do think the two of you need to have a serious talk/pray about this and try and get to the bottom of it.


Agreed! and amen. Please keep us posted on how this works out. We'll pray for good communication between you and your hubs. I'm sure there has got to be a reasonable explanation. God bless you both!



magdaleine -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 1:44:41 AM)

Rachael, I'm writing this first part of my post before looking at anyone else's answers.

You are going to get a wide variety of answers here because there is a wide spectrum of where people fall in the whole idea of a wife's response to a husband. There are people who believe that it doesn't matter what the husband says, the wife must do it (presumably unless it flagrantly disregards some specified command of God's like "Do not murder"). I am not of that camp and I hope you're not either. Don't think you are.

Husbands can be abusive with what they think is a God-given power to rule their wives. Jesus never told us to check our brains at the front doors of our homes and let our husbands' brains do all the thinking for us.

So my question would be, "Why doesn't he want you to have this friendship?" If he's got a good reason, then perhaps you should honour his request. But to arbitrarily say you can no longer stay in touch with a life-long friend seems to me to be a control thing. And that's abuse. Based on what you've said here, I would say, "Change your password and add them back." Having written that, I realize that your husband will see what you've done and you will need to have a ready answer for him. "She's the friend I've known the longest and I see no need to cut her out of my life," seems to me to be a good one. If you don't feel up to the potential fight, you could send a note to your friend and explain the problem, tell her you value your friendship with her but you'll need to keep in touch by e-mail or something.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It is not the way a marriage should work and it's not the way a husband should treat his wife.

quote:

Well, if this is the whole story (not trying to offend you here) -- then no you are not wrong. I would change my password, and add them back on. Personally, I have no problem with my husband going on my email, facebook, etc., (he doesn't tho), but if he did that to me, I'd be ticked. I'd also try to have a very long conversation with my husband as to the reason why he doesn't like her, other than just cuz. If its just cuz, then that is not a sufficient enough answer and I would tell him exactly what you told us, she is a dear friend, she is a Christian, she is not a bad influence, and I'm not cutting her out of my life and I'm very upset that you would do that to me, the woman you are supposed to love. Ask me to cut friends out of my life.
I whole-heartedly agree.



michele_erin -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 2:08:18 AM)

quote:

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It is not the way a marriage should work and it's not the way a husband should treat his wife.
I agree and second this.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 6:53:33 AM)

I agree. If this is the whole story, what he did was wrong.

And whether or not this friend of yours should be unfriended, your husband went about it in a wrong and unloving way.

But there is some information lacking. Does he isolate you from *all* friends? From family? Or is there something about this one particular friend that really bothers him? Has he explained?



northstar -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 7:22:14 AM)

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of what your husband has done, and regardless of what everyone else has said, I do think that it would be deceitful of you to change your password and add them back to your friends list. This is something you need to sort out with your husband first.



rachay2 -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 9:05:22 AM)

Northstar, I agree with you, that is why I have not done that yet. I don't want to be deceitful, but I also do not want to be told to do something I do not think is right. I also do not want to be judged as selfish and self-centered (which I was just this morning when I brought it up again) becasue I won't do it. I can't. I do not think it is fair that he would expect me to.

Herestoresmysoul~ I actually do think he is wrong for blocking them himself becasue I am not his child. He has told me before that he thinks she is a bad influence on me and that I do act differently when I am around her. I cannot see what he is saying I think that if she were any influence on me at all I would have left him a long time ago as she advised due to things that have happened in the past that I do not care to go into any detail about. She however is not the only one in my life that has advised that.

However even with all the problems we have had I do not want to leave him. I just want him to let it go and stop hassling me over it. I feel as though he does try to control me. That as long as I do what he wants everything is fine, but the minute I show I can think for myself and more importantly decide for myself the tension begins. This is hard to deal with sometimes. We do communicate but we never seem to come to any agreement. It's like we hit the same brick wall everytime.

I do have other friends but this friend I am talking about is very special to me. Her whole family is special to me. My husband does not like most of my family either. This has alot to do with problems from the past and their advise to me then about it. I spend more time with his family then I do any of my friends and family.

Counseling is probably the only way we can work this out. I am really tired of dealing with it. Sometimes I just get tired of dealing with him period.

He keeps telling me what I need to change and I got mad at him this morning becasue I did not want to get into an arguement about it. He keeps asking me what he needs to change and unlike him I don't make a big deal about stuff like that. I do not feel it is necessary to tell him every single thing I have a problem with him about. So, he doesn't think he has anything in his life that needs an adjustment. I know this was wrong but in the heat of the moment I brought up this subject and told him that he needs to realize that I am not going to change just becasue he keeps telling me I need to and that as far as what he did on my facebook account he is wrong and shouldn't have becasue it wasn't his account. that's when he told me I was I was selfish and self-centered. Yeah, well aren't we all?



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 9:20:57 AM)

rachael It sounds from what you said that this friend has caused you to have problems with your husband in the past (maybe even telling you to leave him?)That is clearly the reason why he doesnt want you to have contact with her anymore, and if that is the case then its not surprising really.

My MIL told my hsuband that he should leave me and that I wasnt good enough for him, and believe me. we dont have contact with her becuase of that. Could this be the reason?
It cant be easy for him to think of you with a friend who maybe doesn't like him or has advised you to maybe leave him in the past? I would feel quite unhappy if my husband was spending time with a man who felt this way about me, and I wouldnt spend ANY time with a person who had badmouthed my husband in ANY way, whether it was a friend of menber of my family. He comes first always.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 9:22:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

rachael It sounds from what you said that this friend has caused you to have problems with your husband in the past (maybe even telling you to leave him?)That is clearly the reason why he doesnt want you to have contact with her anymore, and if that is the case then its not surprising really.

My MIL told my hsuband that he should leave me and that I wasnt good enough for him, and believe me. we dont have contact with her becuase of that. Could this be the reason?
It cant be easy for him to think of you with a friend who maybe doesn't like him or has criticised him and spoken badly of him in the past? I would feel quite unhappy if my husband was spending time with a man who felt this way about me, and I wouldnt spend ANY time with a person who had badmouthed my husband in ANY way, whether it was a friend of menber of my family. He comes first always.



jhuperetes -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 9:42:08 AM)

quote:

I actually do think he is wrong for blocking them himself becasue I am not his child. He has told me before that he thinks she is a bad influence on me and that I do act differently when I am around her. I cannot see what he is saying I think that if she were any influence on me at all I would have left him a long time ago as she advised due to things that have happened in the past that I do not care to go into any detail about. She however is not the only one in my life that has advised that.


Who wears the pants in your house?



KaptZ -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 9:55:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: michele_erin

quote:

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It is not the way a marriage should work and it's not the way a husband should treat his wife.
I agree and second this.


Ditto. In spades.

I once dropped a friend because my girlfriend at the time basically ordered me to. It's one of the things I've done in my life that I am truly ashamed of.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 10:19:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaptZ

quote:

ORIGINAL: michele_erin

quote:

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It is not the way a marriage should work and it's not the way a husband should treat his wife.
I agree and second this.


Ditto. In spades.

I once dropped a friend because my girlfriend at the time basically ordered me to. It's one of the things I've done in my life that I am truly ashamed of.


surely it depends on the reason for his request? It clearly isnt that he doesnt want her to have friends, as she does have other friends, However if this friend has said bad things about her husband in the past, and she does act differently around her than he may have good reason.He may not have dealt with it in the right way but he may
have reason to be concerned.
I actually wouldnt want to have a friend who had spoken badly about my husband so for me it wouldnt even be an issue.



rachay2 -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 4:19:45 PM)

quote:

Who wears the pants in your house?


We both wear pants, sometimes I wear shorts, sometimes he wears shorts. Sometimes I wear dresses. He never wears dresses. Seriously why don't you be a little more direct and actually come right out and say what you mean.



manda59 -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 4:24:03 PM)

rachay

I presume you've confided in this woman in the past about your husband (which I suggest to you was not the wisest or most appropriate thing to do). I can understand your husband not feeling comfortable with this. Do you still confide in her?



rachay2 -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 5:05:58 PM)

If I had to drop everyone who has ever said a bad word about him I would have to drop her, my family and even myself. Oh wait then we would also have to drop his mother for saying bad things about me and we' have to drop him for saying bad things about me. Don't see the point in that unless you tend to be person that takes things to heart. People are entitled to voice their opinions and they tend to do that.

Let me be frank the problems we have are of our own making, I don't blame anyone else for them.

Before I forget I want to thank all of you for posting in this thread. I do appreciate that you would take the time to do that. Even you jhuperetes, though your question was rather flippant and sounded more like you were asking who the boss is here and I am not going to get into debate about that. I don't think either spouse should be able to Lord anything over the other.

Anyway, we talked about it today and he told me to go ahead and add them back if I wanted to and that he was sorry for upsetting me.

I still haven't decided if I will. I really need to think about it. Unfortunatley this thread isn't really helping me get a better understanding of what I should do. Even with his permission I am still undecided. Is it a matter of doing what he wants me to and making him happy? Maybe that would be the best thing I could for him right now.



rachay2 -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 5:11:59 PM)

Something else I was thinking... friends come and go but a marriage is suppose to last a lifetime.



Liveloved -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 5:17:42 PM)

Thanks for sharing more of the details. If this friend encouraged you in an ungodly way (suggesting or supporting you leaving your spouse), it is no wonder he does not want the relationship to continue.

I know how this bothers you and that your friend has been a part of your life for a long time. But put yourself in his shoes.

Let's say you have a friend, Kay. And Kay tells you that her friend, Beth, does not like you and wants Kay to not have anything to do with you.

How would you feel about this person, Beth? What if Beth and Kay became closer and closer? Wouldn't the fact that Beth does not like you and is an influence on Kay going to bother you? How would you respond?

While this situation may seem silly and it certainly is nothing compared to a marriage relationship and the love and respect the Lord would have us live out, it might help you get into your husband's shoes (and feelings) and understand this from his perspective.

What if it were your child? And there was someone who had negative or destructive influence in their life. Wouldn't you want to see that relationship terminated as well?

Your husband is looking out for his relationship with you. That is a godly thing to do. I think in this instance you need to respect his desires and follow his lead.



TwinCityGirl -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 5:17:56 PM)

Hi, Rachael!

I'm glad your husband is okay with you adding them back in if you want to.

He sounds hurt about what your long-time friend knows from the past about him. Or perhaps he is concerned you will start to tell her things about him rather than bringing those things straight to him for discussion? Or maybe both.

Maybe you should sit down with him and explain that if there are any issues you have with him that you will discuss them WITH HIM. Is he maybe just fearful of what you might share?

He did do a wrong thing to delete them like that without talking to you. That puts you in an awkward bind, but try not to make any of this more than what it was. He sounds like a scared husband to me who has made some mistakes. I bet you can rise above it all. BOTH of you.

Jeanie



janidhiro -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 5:22:38 PM)

Lots of wisdom expressed thus far in responses. I do, however, identify with the situation from the husband's viewpoint. My DW has (had) a friend who always seemed to influence our relationship in a negative manner. I asked her to refrain from any discussion of me or our marriage with this individual. She graciously complied. I do feel the above mentioned husband as outstepped his boundaries and is treating his wife more like a child than an equal.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 5:53:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rachay2

Something else I was thinking... friends come and go but a marriage is suppose to last a lifetime.


Amen you've got it. He has first place after God. In your place I would stay away form her especially as he has appologised to you.



armywifey -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 7:30:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rachay2

If I had to drop everyone who has ever said a bad word about him I would have to drop her, my family and even myself. Oh wait then we would also have to drop his mother for saying bad things about me and we' have to drop him for saying bad things about me. Don't see the point in that unless you tend to be person that takes things to heart. People are entitled to voice their opinions and they tend to do that.

Let me be frank the problems we have are of our own making, I don't blame anyone else for them.

Before I forget I want to thank all of you for posting in this thread. I do appreciate that you would take the time to do that. Even you jhuperetes, though your question was rather flippant and sounded more like you were asking who the boss is here and I am not going to get into debate about that. I don't think either spouse should be able to Lord anything over the other.

Anyway, we talked about it today and he told me to go ahead and add them back if I wanted to and that he was sorry for upsetting me.

I still haven't decided if I will. I really need to think about it. Unfortunatley this thread isn't really helping me get a better understanding of what I should do. Even with his permission I am still undecided. Is it a matter of doing what he wants me to and making him happy? Maybe that would be the best thing I could for him right now.



I think you feel undecided about adding her back b/c they both mean a lot to you, however you have to LIVE with your husband, and hopefully in harmony. Since your husband has your PW and access to your facebook, i don't think it's wise to add her back. What if she makes a flippant remark about him deleting her and your husband reads it? I think it will just cause more drama. What if he reads messages between you two etc.

Is this friend long distance? None of my friends have ever badmouthed my honey. Sure I've vented to a few trusting friends....but they know that i love him and let me vent, they don't add to the fuel by making it worse. This is why i am selective w/ who i call friend, b/c there needs to be some spiritual maturity there.

It's like momma, you can talk bad about mommma, but nobody else better say anything bad about momma. LOL. Also, how does he know she badmouthed him. If you were the one who told him what she said, then you bear some of the responsibility for him not liking her.



bolt. -> RE: Question for you. (11/2/2009 10:31:39 PM)

I think you should re-friend them, because it restores the balance of your equality and free choice. If, next week, you've thought it through and decided to drop her, then do so... but it will be you making a choice from the point of friending to the point of un-friending, as if the interference had not taken place.

If you decide to keep her, try to listen to your husband's heart. He matters. His privacy and pride matter. Even if it's about unforgiveness, his remaining hurt still matters, because he matters. His observations about your character matter. If he is any kind of a man that you respect, you should be able to trust what he sees but you do not. So, at very least, keep a distance, watch yourself very closely, and do not 'rub it in'.

And get to counselling. You-two need a more power balanced relationship where love can flourish. You both deserve it.



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