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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:18:34 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
Tink is that akin to saying .. since I can't give you a two parent home you don't deserve to have a home at all?
I see it more as denying that child even the chance to live in a normal family.
quote:
Not picking... just trying to understand how giving a child who desperately needs a home a forever home is selfish and or cruel.
Kids need two parents (mom AND dad). Most people are woefully unprepared to be parents, let alone single parents. To provide for a child means to provide for every need of that child, including emotional stability. So someone who is considering adopting has got to have a person of the opposite sex who is as deeply committed to filling that role in the child's life.
Is it possible to have good healthy kids result from a single parent adoption? Yes. Is it likely? No. The kids really are better off in a good foster home where the husband loves his wife and they both model correct behavior.
I know that in some areas the foster system is a nightmare. But all the foster parents I know have raised healthy kids as they maintain a healthy marriage. Both parents are there for each other and for the kids.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:21:42 PM
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Taffy_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
Tink is that akin to saying .. since I can't give you a two parent home you don't deserve to have a home at all?
I see it more as denying that child even the chance to live in a normal family.
quote:
Not picking... just trying to understand how giving a child who desperately needs a home a forever home is selfish and or cruel.
Kids need two parents (mom AND dad). Most people are woefully unprepared to be parents, let alone single parents. To provide for a child means to provide for every need of that child, including emotional stability. So someone who is considering adopting has got to have a person of the opposite sex who is as deeply committed to filling that role in the child's life.
Is it possible to have good healthy kids result from a single parent adoption? Yes. Is it likely? No. The kids really are better off in a good foster home where the husband loves his wife and they both model correct behavior.
I know that in some areas the foster system is a nightmare. But all the foster parents I know have raised healthy kids as they maintain a healthy marriage. Both parents are there for each other and for the kids.
So what do we say in those instances where they either never get a "regular" home or they are placed in a nasty foster home ... ooops our bad? We didn't want to make a mistake?
< Message edited by WalkingwithHim2 -- 11/17/2009 3:28:49 PM >
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:25:29 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I haven't read through the whole thread, but here is my take:
I used to be adamantly opposed to single parents adopting.
However, I have since learned that there are orphans in many countries that get sold into child prostitution...if not that there lives are marginally better.
Yes, 2 parents is the IDEAL, but we don't live in an ideal world.
But, I think it is better to have one christian american parent who can provide reasonably well, than to be sold into prostitution.
This is something I have seriously prayed about myself if I don't marry and health and finances allow it (only one and a girl, though). Even if I do marry the gentleman that's in the picture I think I want to go the adoption route because of our age and my health (however, we haven't discussed this together yet..not quite sure how he feels).
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 11/17/2009 3:33:20 PM >
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:26:45 PM
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Taffy_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I haven't read through the whole thread, but here is my take:
I used to be adamantly opposed to single parents adopting.
However, I have since learned that there are orphans in many countries that get sold into child prostitution...if not that there lives are marginally better.
Yes, 2 parents is the IDEAL, but we don't live in an ideal world.
But, I think it is better to have one christian american parent who can provide reasonably well, than to be sold into prostitution.
This happens right in here in the great USA.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:28:19 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I haven't read through the whole thread, but here is my take:
I used to be adamantly opposed to single parents adopting.
However, I have since learned that there are orphans in many countries that get sold into child prostitution...if not that there lives are marginally better.
Yes, 2 parents is the IDEAL, but we don't live in an ideal world.
But, I think it is better to have one christian american parent who can provide reasonably well, than to be sold into prostitution.
This happens right in here in the great USA.
Ok, edited to add "in other countries and the 'great' USA." 
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:31:13 PM
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jhuperetes
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I still have not read a valid argument why a spiritually, mentally, physically, financially stable single person should not adopt a child.
There are comparisons of single parenting to dual parenting, but that is a fallacy. It must be compared to growing up without any parent, without any consistent home.
We are not even talking about the thousands that go through foster care. Majority of foster kids get kicked out the door as soon as they turn 18.
On. the. date. They have nowhere to go, no place to sleep, no money, nothing. What do you think those 18 year 1 a day olds will do?
A parallel to your reasoning - Do you know why there is tuberculosis in the USA? Because some genius decided that 60% to 80% effectiveness is not good enough, so no child gets the vaccination (BCG). Guess what? Countries, third-world countries, where BCG is mandatory has 0% (zero) of TB infection.
Should we recommend not adopting children by singles because they would be less effective then in a 100% perfect family?
< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 11/17/2009 3:38:50 PM >
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:33:02 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
As for adopting overseas, the US has such strict adoption laws that even the Messiah Himself would have a hard time adopting here. A friend of mine tried to go this route and because she had four boys, and was a stay at home mother the adoption agency didn't think she would be able to handle a girl.
This is true. I've got a bunch of friends who've adopted foreign. For one reason it's almost the only way to adopt a baby. For another most of the social services agencies are overrun with social liberals. If you're not gay or "progressive" then you are seen as being an undesirable parent.
Cost foreign is way more than cost local. My friends who adopted Chinese girls spent tens of thousands (including two or more trips to China) to get it done.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:35:06 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
That said, I'm not sure this was pointed out clearly so far, adopting a child out of the "system" and raising them as a single would be, IMO, much harder than either adopting them as a couple or adopting a healthy infant as a single
Thank you. My preference would be to adopt a healthy child. Call me selfish, but I grew up with a disabled sister...and frankly I feel I've done my time. It's easy for those who haven't been through it to say "Oh, people should be adopting the disabled/older....." well, it takes special people to do that. I have seen people who have done that literally break down and go to pieces. Those decisions have to be made prayfully and carefully.
I'm also resenting the judgements on foreign adoptions in this thread. I have a close family member where this was the case and there is NO DOUBT the child was meant for our family. The reason his or her parents went this route was NOT to go for the perfect child but because they were told in the U.S. the birth mother will often take the child back. If you want to know their reasons for not going the handicapped route, see mine. I am not going to say how they are related on a public thread, but I figure you can put two and two together.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 11/17/2009 3:58:37 PM >
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:37:49 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
As for adopting overseas, the US has such strict adoption laws that even the Messiah Himself would have a hard time adopting here. A friend of mine tried to go this route and because she had four boys, and was a stay at home mother the adoption agency didn't think she would be able to handle a girl.
This is true. I've got a bunch of friends who've adopted foreign. For one reason it's almost the only way to adopt a baby. For another most of the social services agencies are overrun with social liberals. If you're not gay or "progressive" then you are seen as being an undesirable parent.
Cost foreign is way more than cost local. My friends who adopted Chinese girls spent tens of thousands (including two or more trips to China) to get it done.
John, that's an awfully broad, inaccurate brush you're painting with. I've worked in social services long enough and in a wide enough area to know that most of social services in staffed by good Christian people. Maybe that's the way it is in "progressive cities", but not in this city, nor in most areas of the US... only a few.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:38:55 PM
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Tinkerbell_
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In his defense GNM, we are in the Bible belt down here and the midwest is definitely a different breed. Sadly I've seen the differences having lived in both places.
_____________________________
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I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:42:57 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
That said, I'm not sure this was pointed out clearly so far, adopting a child out of the "system" and raising them as a single would be, IMO, much harder than either adopting them as a couple or adopting a healthy infant as a single
Thank you. My preference would be to adopt a healthy child. Call me selfish, but I grew up with a disabled sister...and frankly I feel I've done my time. It's easy for those who haven't been through it to say "Oh, people should be adopting the disabled/older....." well, it takes special people to do that. I have seen people who have done that literally break down and go to pieces. Those decisions have to be made prayfully and carefully.
Not selfish, Jewels. Not at all. We need to be totally honest with ourselves about this stuff. And I can totally understand why you, especially in your circumstances, would want to adopt a healthy child. I wanted healthy, American infants. And I knew what conditions and/or disabilities, etc. that I could realistically expect myself to be able to deal with effectively. People who don't know any better might call that selfish.
But they'd be wrong.
Oh, and for the record for those who don't know there are such things, I adopted both of my children from a Christian agency - Bethany Christian Services
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 11/17/2009 3:51:32 PM >
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:43:16 PM
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jhuperetes
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Sadly you are right.
I put the cost of adoption form Asia, India and neighboring countries between $20 to $30K.
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
This is true. I've got a bunch of friends who've adopted foreign. For one reason it's almost the only way to adopt a baby. For another most of the social services agencies are overrun with social liberals. If you're not gay or "progressive" then you are seen as being an undesirable parent.
Cost foreign is way more than cost local. My friends who adopted Chinese girls spent tens of thousands (including two or more trips to China) to get it done.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:46:20 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
There are comparisons of single parenting to dual parenting, but that is a fallacy. It must be compared to growing up without any parent, without any consistent home.
Exactly!
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
People of Character
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:51:10 PM
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Taffy_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
In his defense GNM, we are in the Bible belt down here and the midwest is definitely a different breed. Sadly I've seen the differences having lived in both places.
Still a brush Tinkers. I live in the Midwest and it is as conservative as all get out in my neck of the woods.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:54:06 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
That said, I'm not sure this was pointed out clearly so far, adopting a child out of the "system" and raising them as a single would be, IMO, much harder than either adopting them as a couple or adopting a healthy infant as a single
Thank you. My preference would be to adopt a healthy child. Call me selfish, but I grew up with a disabled sister...and frankly I feel I've done my time. It's easy for those who haven't been through it to say "Oh, people should be adopting the disabled/older....." well, it takes special people to do that. I have seen people who have done that literally break down and go to pieces. Those decisions have to be made prayfully and carefully.
Not selfish, Jewels. Not at all. We need to be totally honest with ourselves about this stuff. And I can totally understand why you, especially in your circumstances, would want to adopt a healthy child. I wanted healthy, American infants. And I knew what conditions and/or disabilities, etc. that I could realistically expect myself to be able to deal with effectively. People who don't know any better might call that selfish.
Thank you! 
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:18:21 PM
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SavedByGraceMD
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1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
I am not a single parent, but I have actually thought about it myself. It is partially out of a selfish desire for my own children, but also out of the command of God to take care of the orphans. I could only imagine how hard it would be to actually do especially being a single guy, but too many of our orphaned children in this country get tossed to the wayside.
2- I read somewhere (Focus on the Family maybe?) that choosing this could be just the feeding of a selfish need of wanting to be a parent. What do you think about that?
I agree to a point. So be sure your motives are correct before you even think about doing it. God did give us the desires to be parents after all. If you have the means to do so... what would be so wrong with that. I say it would be better to raise a child in a Christian home, even as a single parent, than to let them barely survive in foster care.
3- Probably most importantly, what do you think God would say?
I think it would require some serious Pastoral counseling, a lot of praying, and being in a position to give the child a good home. If all this lined up then I think God would say to go ahead. JMHO.
4- Any other thoughts?
I think that provided the means to raise a child are there, then what is wrong with taking a child from a life of neglect, rejection, and multiple foster homes (which some times, children are fostered as a means to an income) and giving them a godly roof to live under.
I heard an atheist saying in a video, that if this country was really so Christian, that there wouldn't be any children living in orphanages. We would be out there snatching these kids up, instead of letting them live that way. Something along those lines. So maybe this is something we as Christians should be thinking more deeply about. Single or not.
< Message edited by SavedByGraceMD -- 11/17/2009 4:24:55 PM >
_____________________________
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed for I am your God,
I will strengthen you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
http://followtheleader-mat1624.blogspot.com/
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:22:01 PM
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Tinkerbell_
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This is not a combative statement towards anyone so please don't take it that way, but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
I'm truly curious because I haven't met anyone who has. The only single parents I know who have adopted had a LOT of issues but they weren't Christians so I'm wondering if that makes as huge of a difference as I would hope.
_____________________________
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:30:10 PM
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SavedByGraceMD
Posts: 1180
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
This is not a combative statement towards anyone so please don't take it that way, but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
I'm truly curious because I haven't met anyone who has. The only single parents I know who have adopted had a LOT of issues but they weren't Christians so I'm wondering if that makes as huge of a difference as I would hope.
I don't know any single Christians who have adopted. I don't really ask that question to the people I meet though.
_____________________________
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed for I am your God,
I will strengthen you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
http://followtheleader-mat1624.blogspot.com/
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:30:47 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 5131
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
This is not a combative statement towards anyone so please don't take it that way, but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
I'm truly curious because I haven't met anyone who has. The only single parents I know who have adopted had a LOT of issues but they weren't Christians so I'm wondering if that makes as huge of a difference as I would hope.
With adopted children there are a LOT of other issues related to being well-rounded and balanced than just who parents them. I know you know this. But prior abuse, neglect, dysfunction, in and out of foster homes, etc. all play a role. One must compare a specific adopted child with how well-rounded and balanced that specific child would probably have become had they not been adopted. Not compare an adopted child to any other children.
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~Kerrlaw~
People of Character
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:31:25 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
Yes. I know a woman who adopted a young boy from a Ukrainian orphanage. She is a college teacher, and teaches at a University with a huge chef traingin department (the dept. she teaches in)...so she can work her schedule around him. He is in school, plays basketball...he and I had a great time swimming when we were at the same wedding. He is polite and friendly...and grateful to his mom...He was always sad that he had left his good friend over there, and then friends of their adopted him. Last I saw he was happy and well adjusted, and last I heard he was still doing well. The mom got a lot of flack from the Christian community, but she said she felt called to give a child a home and while she agreed 2 parents would have been ideal, she felt she was offering him better than what he had had.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:38:15 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7628
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From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
This is not a combative statement towards anyone so please don't take it that way, but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
I'm truly curious because I haven't met anyone who has. The only single parents I know who have adopted had a LOT of issues but they weren't Christians so I'm wondering if that makes as huge of a difference as I would hope.
With adopted children there are a LOT of other issues related to being well-rounded and balanced than just who parents them. I know you know this. But prior abuse, neglect, dysfunction, in and out of foster homes, etc. all play a role. One must compare a specific adopted child with how well-rounded and balanced that specific child would probably have become had they not been adopted. Not compare an adopted child to any other children.
Well of course I understand what you're saying...I couldn't word my question quite the way I wanted to...
And unfortunately when I think of adoption I always think of infancy adoptions because once again, I relate to what I know. My cousins and I were all adopted under the age of two months so I don't think of foster care, or issues like that when I think adoption.
Again...my lack of experience inhibits my understanding of situations.
_____________________________
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 4:38:15 PM
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betterisoneday
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I have no problem with a single person adopting; they should do all the same thinking and planning that a couple would do. Looking at their lives and honestly figuring out what they can handle (age/disability/location/etc).
Being a single parent is very hard but I absolutely hate the comment (IRL) that my children will turn out 'bad' because I'm the only one raising them and IMO that's the same thing as a single person adopting..
I don't care whatsoever what FotF says or thinks.
As for what G-d thinks; I believe it is something to pray very seriously about and do not think everyone is able to/should adopt.
I plan on (if I don't get remarried and possibly if I do) to adopt older children (foreign & local) once I finish buying land and building a house (unfortunately this is taking a while). No comments here so far have made any sense as to why it could be considered selfish.
I would much rather take in a child and cry myself to sleep every night while trying to live G-d's love than to not sleep knowing there are many children in orphanages/foster care that two-parent families don't want.
Growing up my 'heros' were Amy Carmichael and Mary Slessor: took in unwanted or sold children in India and Africa. Some will say it's different because the US is 'rich' or something; but I don't see that at all; it's a mess.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 5:14:50 PM
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betterisoneday
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Thanks Focusing.
I have been told my sons would be better off if I gave them up and for a long time I believed it. Then I started thinking: if I and my extended family all die and the choices were that my sons would be in an orphanage because no one wants older children (especially rambunctious boys) or be adopted by a Christian single; which would I choose.
So I want the same for other children who aren't being adopted by two-parent families.
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No reserves. No retreat. No regret.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 5:20:03 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
I have been told my sons would be better off if I gave them up
Wow. Just wow. Someone actually said this to you??????
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~Kerrlaw~
People of Character
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